Archive for the ‘Sawdust’ Category

Addict still content with lifestyle, however By Matt Honold Harold Johnson is a porn addict.  He leads a modest lifestyle in a small one-bedroom house in Oneonta, N.Y., a far cry from any exciting human activity, though certainly never far from an Internet connection. Johnson is often enthralled by the “shocking and profound” capacity of [...]

By Alex Palombo After being single since 1967, Sgt. Simon Pepper has announced via his Twitter (@Sgt_Pepper) that he is tired of being a lonely heart and plans to create a profile on the popular dating site match.com. “Sometimes being on your own is a good thing, but enough is enough,” Pepper tweeted. “I need [...]

It doesn’t take much to recognize how miserable February at Ithaca College can be. We try to make the best of it, but the fact is, it’s constantly freezing out and it snows about five to seven days a week. Most of us carry a sickly, pasty complexion into the nominally warmer spring months, unless [...]

By Mariana Garces A carefully groomed garden was destroyed, and another retired area man was left confused and yelling inexplicably at inanimate objects. While these occurrences would not normally disrupt a neighborhood, citizens of Ithaca are up in arms over a recent trend in war reenactment that has crept into local backyards like a sweaty, [...]

Shocking Excerpts Unearthed From U.S. Military’s Past By Anne Northgraves With the recent repeal of the U.S. military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, a lot has come to light about how the armed forces had been dealing with the policy since its inception in 1993. Now, Wikileaks editors have unearthed an internal document used for [...]

By  Samantha Towle Last Friday, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates announced the government’s plans to introduce military recruitment centers to the world of Blizzard Entertainment’s immensely successful online role-playing game World of Warcraft. Military recruitment officers are hoping that this new tactic will convince the players of this mystical fighting game to take their love [...]

Late Thursday evening, Bert L. Ood of the vampiric community was discovered dead, again, by his roommates. In his undead state of living, Ood was not only color blind, particularly to shades of red, but also had a fatal food allergy to red dye number 4. Lying next to his finally decomposing body was an [...]

Ithaca College wants a new mascot named “Bomber,” but it can’t have anything to do with bombing If you haven’t already heard, Ithaca College is now holding a contest seeking suggestions from the IC community to introduce a new mascot to the campus. This comes, of course, in an effort to increase school spirit and produce a recognizable figure that might one day help people unfamiliar with the campus to identify [...]

“We will not back down, America has spoken,” say Republicans. By Mike McCabe In a recent act of defiance to cooperate with the Democrats, Sen. Jim DeMint (R- South Carolina) refused to pass a box of tissues to his fellow congressman, Sen. Al Franken (D-Minnesota). The occurrence brought forth strong words from both parties, as [...]