Archive for the ‘Sawdust’ Category

Spider-Man: Homecoming

Posted on May 3rd, 2017 by Edward Willshire

Spider-Man’s got two dates to the prom – can he swing it? Homecoming: a night of romance for some, but a night of sweaty and awkward dancing in a cramped gym for most. The pressure of getting a date and dressing up for the very first time can really get to you. Doesn’t matter if […]

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Simon Eats Garfunkel

Posted on May 3rd, 2017 by Will Cohan

The famed duo faces its final breakup Shocking news has unfolded for music fans around the nation. In a freak occurrence, Art Garfunkel was reportedly eaten alive by his former music partner, Paul Simon. In his defense, Simon claimed that he thought Garfunkel was a salad, stating, “I didn’t think anything of it at the […]

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Jeff Sessions Hates Mad Dank Kush

Posted on May 3rd, 2017 by Cara Olson

It’s because he’s never tried mad dank kush By Cara Olson Out of all the presidential cabinet members, one may expect attorney general Jeff Sessions to be the most 4/20-friendly. And that’s putting aside Jared Kushner’s blessing of a last name, of course, because we all know that guy’s an uptight dweeb. Sure, Steve Bannon […]

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Take a Chance

Posted on May 3rd, 2017 by Katie Siple

Chance the Rapper looks for a new intern Recent Grammy winner Chancelor Bennett, better known as Chance the Rapper, is looking for an intern: “someone with experience in putting together decks and writing proposals.” Unfortunately, after donating $1 million to Chicago Public School Foundation, he’s feeling a little bit stingy, and is only offering one […]

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Buzzsaw asks why?

Posted on May 3rd, 2017 by Jordan Aaron

Why do we get so distracted about things we care about? For example, why aren’t sporks more of a thing? Look, I’m not saying I love sporks that much and clearly they have some flaws, but if we really spent time trying to improve sporks, we could really change the eating utensil landscape. Now I […]

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4 White Actors Most Likely to Play Asian Characters

Posted on April 10th, 2017 by Edward Willshire

Face it, it’s probably going to happen Hollywood has a long history of casting white people to play the roles of Asian characters. From overtly offensive examples like Austro-Hungarian actor Peter Lorre’s character from the 1930s, Mr. Moto, to the more recent and no less problematic examples of whitewashing in films, such as The Great […]

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Disney to Open Avatar park ride

Posted on April 10th, 2017 by Will Cohan

But James Cameron would rather talk about his tiny little submarine Recently, Disney announced that they will be opening a new theme park ride based on James Cameron’s 2009 classic, Avatar. The attraction, called “Pandora — The World of Avatar,” will be an immersive experience for visitors who will able to explore the world of […]

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Steve Bannon Eats Cats

Posted on April 10th, 2017 by Kirby Wilhelm

Yes. It’s true. Very weird. Trump’s littler hand creeps toward 4 on the great-great-great-grandfather clock residing in Steve Bannon’s Hexagon Office, designed with the idea that Bannon needs to be “one side better than the military elite of America.” As he holds two graduate degrees and has worked in the Pentagon, Bannon knows the real […]

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Jimmy Kimmel opens high-end coffee shops in Chicago

Posted on April 10th, 2017 by Edward Willshire

Hopes to connect with common man Since Oscar Host and civil rights activist Jimmy Kimmel successfully grounded the world of the Hollywood elite by bringing in a small tour bus full of 10 people into the Dolby Theater during the Academy Awards, many have been asking what Kimmel may be up to next. Well, a […]

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What is Baseball???????????

Posted on April 10th, 2017 by Cara Olson

No seriously, what is baseball?!?!?!?!?!?! Ah, the crack of the bat. The seventh-inning stretch. The cleats. The costumes. The singing. The baton-twirling. The harrowing story of one innocent man’s spiral into madness. Wait, what were we talking about? Oh, that’s right. Baseball. But if you dumb readers are anything like the other 80 percent of […]

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