The Hammond Health Center, in all its glory, has generated way too many complaints, considering it’s in charge of Ithaca College students’ health. We thought that our spectacular Medicated Issue would be a perfect opportunity to address some of the biggest complaints and absurdities of the place. 
We think that this, of all college services, should [...]

By Lara Bonner
Charlie Hanson is not your average man—in fact, he has what Dr. Harold Baum at the Cayuga Medical Center has declared “the most severe case of hypochondria I’ve seen in years.” Hanson had an appointment with Baum Tuesday, where he first expressed concerns about having a rather unusual ailment.
“He told me he thought [...]

By Marc Phillips
Jeff Williams, a rambunctious 12-year-old with a penchant for creating trouble, likes to hit his friends and scream in the classroom. At lunch, he throws his Capri Sun drink pouch at the seventh grade girls. Homework time is a power struggle with his parents.
“My mom said I’m special, so I can do whatever [...]

By Chris Giblin
Cornell University Associate Professor James Burton checked into the Elmira Psychiatric Center last night. Burton was allegedly enjoying himself watching Internet porn before the futile policies and pudgy images of former President Millard Fillmore flooded into his mind and ruined his fantasy.
Fillmore’s indistinguishable early political career, mediocre presidency and decidedly overweight appearance have [...]

By Noah Burd
Local dead-end supermarket employee and self-styled rock star Dom Bidlow announced Thursday that he would be taking that same Dom Bidlow to court on charges of malpractice.
“I was a hard worker before this man decided to drastically alter both of our lives with his foolish prescriptions,” Bidlow said while pointing to himself [...]

If you have anything to do with the Park School, you’ve noticed the slew of new flat screen TVs that showed up in the hallway over spring break. You can’t move five steps inside the building without running into a different, yet identical, expensive-looking TV hung overhead.
Frankly, we wonder what was wrong with the two [...]

By Chris Giblin
A local bulldog sniffed a fire hydrant he believed to be rightfully his but sensed strange odors emanating from the area. The dog proceeded to growl angrily and pace back and forth near the hydrant for the remainder of the afternoon and night yesterday.
The dog, Rusty, has laid an unofficial claim to the [...]

In a ruling reminiscent of the ancient King Solomon, City of Ithaca Judge Joseph Ward put a stop to divorce court proceedings mid-trial last Monday, ruling that both sides would receive half of everything, including the couple’s dog and daughter. The decision will soon be up for appeal.
Aggravated and disillusioned by a lifetime of lawful [...]

By Mariana Garces
A new museum of sorts has developed on the Ithaca College campus, and no, it’s not the Handwerker Gallery.
It was started recently out of sophomore Sid Miller’s lower quad dorm. It exists in a hallway just like any other, behind a door where Sid’s name is scrawled craftily onto a foam palm tree [...]