Cyber stalking: When the Inernet becomes a weapon

By Shaza Elsheshtawy

Talking is a physical threat. No doubt about it. There is a general consensus that if you are being physically stalked, you are being violated. So much so that New York state law establishes four degrees of stalking as a criminal offense. In fact, January is national stalking awareness month across the United States and has been since 2004.

But in an age of popular online social networking, for a modern teenager, physical stalking isn’t the only form creeping around on their mind. A new form of stalking has emerged with the online boom: cyber stalking which, according to the National Center for Victims of Crime Web site, can be defined as “threatening behavior or unwanted advances directed at another using the Internet and other forms of online and computer communications.”

A 2009 report by the Bureau of Justice Statistics found that about one in four stalking victims reported some form of cyber stalking, including receiving many unwanted e-mails (83 percent) or instant messages (35 percent). Because the statistic is so small, comparatively, it is possible that cyber stalking is perceived to be less threatening and less physically dangerous. But a large group of people seem to be at risk of cyber stalking: Victims of cyber stalking usually range in age from 10 to 62 (32 being the average), while the average age of a cyber stalker is 24. In many ways, cyber stalking could prove to be more of a lurking reality than traditional physical forms of stalking, particularly considering how technology opens up a quick and easy outlet for stalkers to monitor and harass their victims. It could also be a more prevalent and legitimate fear than most realize.

It is for Maia Lazar. Now a graduate of the University of California-San Diego and an intern at the National Journalism Center in Washington, D.C., Lazar was cyber stalked by her former high school English teacher in 2004. “Cyber stalking is a legitimate form of stalking,” she said.

Lazar wrote an article in November about this experience in the The Heartland Institute’s School Reform News, a national publication working toward school reform. Mr. Stone (the name given to Lazar’s teacher in her article) began to intensely follow her personal online blog, to the point of making inappropriate references to it during his classes.

After Lazar reproached Mr. Stone when he made one of these comments, he started to leave many unwanted messages on her and her mother’s blogs and even cornered Lazar and her friend in an online chat room. He threatened to sue Lazar for “libel” and “slander” due to someone else’s comment on her blog calling him a pervert. High school officials at her school suspended Mr. Stone for a day, but, rife with anger, he quit and kept in contact with his favorite students by e-mail to talk about Lazar.

“To be honest, I was initially worried that I could have been in physical danger,” said Lazar. “Walking the dog in the neighborhood became unnecessarily stressful because I would panic if I saw an unmarked van. Or if some guy looked sketchy or creepy, the adrenaline would pump faster than usual. I had these irrational ideas that he would come and kidnap me in my own neighborhood.”

Jayne Hitchcock, president of the Working to Halt Online Abuse (WHOA), a volunteer organization founded in 1997 to fight online harassment, has also received unwanted attention from a cyber stalker. As stated on her personal Web site, from 1996-97 she was cyber stalked by two individuals who posed as literary agents from a phony literary agency called Woodside. The cyber stalkers used her name to forge mass e-mails with the intent to harass her. “The worst forgery contained Jayne Hitchcock’s actual phone number and address and claimed she was interested in sado-masochistic sexual fantasies,” according to Hitchcock’s Web site.

Naturally, this experience caused Hitchcock great distress and opened her eyes up to the legitimacy and reality of cyber stalking. She mentioned on her site, “Someone has to let the public know that cyber stalking and online harassment does exist.”

So what happens when stalking isn’t a physical threat? Are there penal codes and polices in place so that harassers like the ones who cyber stalked Maia Lazar and Jayne Hitchcock can’t get away with it? It would be comforting to know that this modern cyber variety isn’t hidden underneath traditional forms of stalking and, more importantly, that stalking codes and policies in the U.S. have kept up with the times.

Sergeant Thomas Dunn from Ithaca College’s Office of Public Safety does not believe laws have. “Cyber stalking isn’t specifically outlined in New York state penal law,” he said. “Since cyber stalking is a new phenomenon, the laws just haven’t kept up with that. So, typically the statute of stalking doesn’t necessarily apply to cyberspace, so we have to fall back to some other statutes like harassment or aggravated harassment using electronical means of a device with the intent to harass.”

It is stated on the National Conference of State Legislatures Web site that law enforcement agencies estimate that electronic communications are a factor in about 20 to 40 percent of all stalking cases. It also states that 46 states now have laws that explicitly include electronic forms of communication within stalking or harassment laws.

Federal law has also addressed cyber stalking to some degree. The Violence Against Women Act, passed in 2004, was amended in 2006 to make cyber stalking a part of the federal interstate stalking statute, which makes stalking legally a criminal offense. The act creates criminal penalties for sending anonymous e-mails and VoiP (voice over the internet) calls with the intent to annoy, abuse, threaten or harass any person. The penalties for being found guilty of this include up to two years in prison and heavy fines.

Then again, this amendment isn’t that recent. There are also four states that do not include specific references to cyber stalking in their stalking laws. Even a search through online databases such as the Statistical Abstract of the United States yielded no information or legislation from the past six months on cyber stalking.

According to Lazar, the matter of cyber stalking is more serious and carries more of a consequential weight than lawmakers realize. “Cyber stalking should have legal consequences,” she said. “It is often thought of as catty 15-year-old girls trying to outdo each other in a game of public hostility online via Facebook or MySpace. But I really think there are more overgrown teenagers out there, playing the very same game but in the bodies of middle-aged men, and perhaps women.” Cyberstalking should be portrayed as less of a game and more as a potentially harmful act that should be made illegal.

Not only has cyber stalking not been kept up with by law, but Dunn pointed out it is also more difficult to determine the real identity of a cyber stalker. “It’s hard sometimes to identify the perpetrator,” he said, “because of the ease and availability of creating e-mail addresses or screen names.”

Essentially, these cyber stalkers are, quite simply, hidden behind their computer screens, fake e-mail addresses and screen names, making it hard for law enforcement officials to keep up with them, too.

What is most curious is what motivates these people to cyber stalk in the first place. Lazar asserts that “he [her cyber stalker], as a small little known former ‘radio show personality online’ and former high school English teacher, craved acknowledgment and fame which he claimed he once had. And he was willing to do anything to get his 15 minutes, even if it was negative attention or eternal online infamy.”

Cyber stalking may seem a far-fetched, perhaps even distant or irrelevant, issue to most of us. Even Lazar said she got over her initial fear of physical danger: “Overall I did not have sufficient reason to be worried that my former teacher would physically stalk or harass me. I think the most worrisome was his threats of litigation.”

But here’s something to think about: Dunn said he’s “sure [cyber stalking] is becoming more prevalent in a social medium like Facebook or Ithaca College’s own web-based social networking.” Considering the amount of personal information Facebook users divulge their our accounts and the many friend requests some accept without even knowing who this new “friend” is personally, this is not surprising. Perhaps it would be worth taking a look at what security and privacy settings we have on such online social networking mediums.

So, fellow Facebook users—yes, you sitting there right now scrolling through your live news feed, uploading millions of photos of yourself, updating your status with an ungodly amount of personal detail and unabashedly accepting friend requests as you skim this article—do you think cyber stalking is a legitimate fear?
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Shaza Elsheshtawy is a freshman journalism major who advises that you slap on a Facebook condom and set your profile to private. E-mail her for more tips at selshes1@ithaca.edu.

By Colleen Cunha

Of all the people you’re friends with in college, do you know everything they do, or might they have secret night lives?

Some college students are trying to keep their “school lives” and their “party lives” separate by having no common ground between the two. For some, this may work as a way to block out the temptation to party when they should be studying and to keep their personal lives separate from their scholastic peers’ impressions of them.

For others, it may work as a way to hide their insecurities from certain people. If your friends that you study with are strongly against underage drinking but you enjoy going to parties and drinking on the weekends, it’s probably easiest to keep your weekend activities away from your study friends.

One college student, Anne*, says she very much prefers to keep her “going out” friends apart from the students she has classes with. “It’s easier for me in both situations, in class and at parties, if there are different people in each environment,” she says. But doesn’t this make it seem like she’s being two-faced? Anne is changing her personality around each group of people, but in this situation it might not be such a horrible thing.

“I do act different with different [groups of] friends, but that’s because it’s appropriate. You shouldn’t act the same way at a party as you do in class, so I guess it’s less the people and more about where I am, but the different people make certain parts of my personality come out,” says Anne unapologetically. Being goofy with your goofy friends is fine, and being studious with your study friends seems logical. Really, the whole idea makes sense.

Another student, Molly*, says she’s in a similar situation, but that she has some things she really keeps secret from her scholastic friends. “I smoke, but I have an entire group of friends who have no idea. It’s something I don’t want to be judged for, and they’ve never asked so I just don’t tell them,” she states without hesitance.

Here’s where the problem with secret night lives comes in¾is Molly really being herself, or, like Anne, does this still count as different aspects of one big, adaptable personality? It could very well be an issue of insecurity. She may be ashamed of her habits and not want people to know. Molly is very close to her scholastic friends, but it’s just not the place to bring up something as controversial as smoking. Although it’s her choice to tell them, it’s still a negative aspect of having a secret night life.

Emily*, another student, says, “I don’t keep my class friends separate from my party friends at all. We’re a close-knit group and we do everything together. They know I like to go out and they know that I like to get work done when I need to.” Emily is able to be very close friends with the other students that live in her dorm; so close that they study together, live together and party together. This lifestyle, completely lacking secrecy, seems to work in her situation.

Having different groups of friends is common in high school and, in some cases, carries on to college. It could be a phase where students are still looking to figure out who they really are, but with some people it could be a longer lasting issue involving insecurity and identity crisis.

For students like Emily, it’s easy to assimilate both parts of her life. But for others like Anne and Molly, having more than one front is the way to go. With Anne, it’s as if her personality is really adaptable, and being with different people brings out different sides of her. This isn’t negative at all. Molly’s reasoning for keeping her two lives separate comes from a fear of being looked down upon by some of the people she considers her friends.

In the end, it’s hard to say whether it’s better to keep secrets about aspects of your life from some people, or to open up to your closest friends¾it really depends on the individual.

*Names have been changed.

By Katherine Rausch

People today are doing anything and everything to look young and beautiful. Women are using anti-aging cosmetics, dying their hair (even when it’s not graying) and resorting to plastic surgery. Although it’s not in the forefront of the media, men are doing the same things.

While college students are not as concerned with looking young as others, they are still obsessed with beauty. Women in college wear make-up, use facial masks and shave. Men are wearing body sprays, using lotions and applying hair gel. Although women are stereotyped as the beauty obsessed gender, men also work on their looks.

There are countless websites devoted to men’s beauty products, including tips and articles. Sites like TimetoSpa.com and Sephora.com have their own shops for men. They sell cleansers, masks and moisturizers geared specifically to the male population. A list of the top 25 products for men included cleansing pore strips, foot spray, shampoo for hair loss, microdermabrasion and muscle rub massage oil.

At Ithaca College, it seems men are either not using these products or don’t want to admit they do. Juan Duchimaza, a junior computer science and chemistry major, admits to wearing hair gel occasionally and using lotion. Duchimaza believes men pay more attention to their looks than they’ll let on.

“I think there’s a lot out there that men use that could be categorized as cosmetics that they don’t want to call that,” Duchimaza says. “Why men cut their hair, cut their nails, shave and even brush their teeth is to look good.”

Talking to a few students, I found men use mainly the basic products offered, and most don’t leave the house without using at least deodorant or body spray. They don’t seem to be buying the exfoliating products or pore strips, but they do care about their appearance.

“If I’m satisfied with how I look it will show off with my personality,” Duchimaza says. “So on days when I choose to dress up and look nice and people tell me I look nice, I’m like, ‘Yeah I know.’”

This isn’t cockiness, Duchimaza says, but self-confidence. Why do women wear make-up or use moisturizers? Beauty is self-confidence and also a big part of our society. It is not just about looking good for your self-esteem but also about looking professional. Senior biochemistry major Josh Roaf doesn’t spend too much time getting ready but still thinks personal care is important.

“For the most part it’s so that people will take me seriously,” Roaf says. “People do judge from first appearances, so that’s really the only thing I consider and worry about.”

One product common among men in college is Axe body spray¾a popular commercialized deodorant and cologne. The commercials for Axe consist of a man using the spray and then, as a result, beautiful young women flocking to him. Roaf uses Axe but says it has nothing to do with the commercials.

“I actually change through the different scents a lot, but usually when I get a compliment on one I tend to stay with it more,” he says.

Junior journalism major Matt Biddle recognizes there is pressure for men to look well put together.

“I feel like you are supposed to look good but look like you didn’t really try to look good,” Biddle says. This double standard can get frustrating and confusing.

The average Joe is expected to have nice hair, look clean-shaven or well trimmed, and dress well while exerting as little effort as possible. Duchimaza says it is something that you come to expect¾to take care of yourself and use these products. However, there are different expectations for women and men.

“I feel for guys and girls there’s a different scale,” Biddle says. “A high-maintenance guy is probably still like a medium maintenance kind of girl.”

There are men out there who are probably just as high maintenance as some extreme girls, but it seems the majority of men do not spend too much time on their looks. Although men do not feel the same stress women do about using these products, they do purchase them and spend at least some time on their appearance. The pressure is still there to look a certain way, and men are buying these beauty products, whether or not they feel the need to hide it.

There is one film that has the distinction as being the worst movie of all time: Edward D. Wood Jr.’s Plan 9 From Outer Space. Perhaps it’s the fact that a scene inexplicably changes from day to night then back to day again, or maybe it’s the redundant dialogue like, “And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future.” In any case, as far as B-movies go, this is as B as it gets.

The film, originally titled Grave Robbers from Outer Space, follows the story of an alien invasion of Earth. The extraterrestrials enact “Plan 9,” as all the prior plans had failed. Plan details are to raise zombies and create chaos as part of a scheme to stop humans from creating a doomsday weapon that would destroy the universe. There is a moral to this contrived story, but viewers get so distracted by all the continuity errors the plot is rendered pointless.

Part of what makes a film a B-movie is the production quality. For the flying saucers, Wood purchased kids’ toys, attached them to a string on a stick, and moved them around in front of the camera. He obviously made no effort to hide the string. Nor did he shut down production after one of his stars, Bela Lugosi (the original Dracula) died before he finished filming. Tom Mason, the chiropractor of Wood’s then girlfriend, filled in for Lugosi, even though he was a few inches taller and many years younger. Wood then employed “movie magic”, i.e., he has Mason cover his face in Dracula fashion, face buried in the crook of his arm behind a massive cape.

Yet all the mistakes, terrible set pieces and even worse acting makes this film only more endearing. In fact, it has a 62 percent freshness rating on RottenTomatoes.com. It’s so bad it’s genius. Wood employed the best of the B-movie world, including Lugosi, Maila Nurmi (aka Vampira) and the gargantuan Swede wrestler Tor Johnson. The Amazing Criswell, a psychic known for his inaccurate predictions, served as narrator, delivering every word with great fervor and a fire in his eyes.

Everyone involved operated under the illusion they were creating great cinema. Upon viewing the film over 50 years after its creation, it turns out they kind of did. What Wood lacked in talent (which is a lot) he made up for with a passion for films and a firm belief in movie magic. He trusted the audience would ignore all the blunders and get wrapped up in the horror of aliens turning humans into zombies.

Wood set out to make an entertaining movie and he succeeded. Plan 9 operates now as a great comedy and is a total delight to view. Just don’t take it too seriously.

Image By Mulit Jones

]]> http://www.buzzsawmag.org/2010/02/03/hidden-issue-comic/feed/ 0 http://www.buzzsawmag.org/2010/02/03/buzzsaw-asks-why-the-class-of-2010-isnt-getting-a-celebrity-speaker/ http://www.buzzsawmag.org/2010/02/03/buzzsaw-asks-why-the-class-of-2010-isnt-getting-a-celebrity-speaker/#comments Wed, 03 Feb 2010 17:54:58 +0000 Chris Giblin http://www.buzzsawmag.org/?p=2113 By Chris Giblin

On Dec. 1, the college announced through an Intercom message that it would get “a notable alumnus or Ithaca College faculty member who has a deep connection to the institution” to speak at Commencement on May 23. The note went on to mention how “the alumni/faculty speaker will replace the celebrity speaker which has been a part of Commencement in the past.”

Admittedly, the past few celebrity Commencement speakers, while being undoubtedly accomplished, did not necessarily have the name recognition to garner the term “celebrity.” Last year, it was Jim Lovell, the commander of Apollo 13 who famously reported to mission control, “Houston, we have a problem.” For the Class of 2008, it was NFL Hall of Famer and Minnesota Supreme Court Judge Alan Page. For an example of a speaker with celebrity status, one probably has to go back to the Class of 2005, which featured Ben Stein (and yes, for the sake of the argument, we’ll consider him a celebrity).

Regardless, the long-running celebrity speaker program was not just about getting a famous, well-known person to provide a memorable sendoff for IC seniors. It was also about getting a citizen of the world to share their experiences, failures and eventual successes with a student body that was moving on into an uncertain work environment.

It is perfectly logical to think an alumnus or faculty member of IC will bring similar words of experience and encouragement for students, but it also shrinks the world of the IC graduate when it should be wide open. Commencement is the day IC students must leave the college behind and look to find their niche in the real world. They’re done; they don’t need to have any more IC success stories thrust in their face, telling them how great the institution is. That’s propaganda for prospective high school students, and it’s not necessary at Commencement.

If seniors can’t have a true “celebrity” speak at their graduation, they should at least get someone who can talk about their extraordinary accomplishments or their dedication to a noble cause. Graduation is when students move on into a world that, in general, doesn’t care much about which school we went to. When the school goes to pick a Commencement speaker, it shouldn’t care what school those people went to either.
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Chris Giblin is a junior TV-R major who’s trying to get Michael Ian Black to come for Commencement. Join the Facebook group. E-mail him at cgiblin1@ithaca.edu.

Local police responded to a 911 call on West Street yesterday in response to reports of excessive drunkenness. The caller reported that members of the fraternity Omega Phi Beta appeared to have consumed large quantities of alcohol and were blacking out, moaning deliriously and uttering “weird, kind of freaky chants.”

Officers responding to the scene, however, were surprised to discover not the drunken antics of a college fraternity, but members of the cult “Omga Fi B’ta” engaging in a ritual designed to “Summon the Dark Lord Omga to enter this world and rule for a thousand years,” according to cult leader Andrew Hunter. “That, or cause a small shower of fluffy bunnies somewhere off the eastern coast of Madagascar. The translation could go either way.”

Cornell freshman Michael Sanders, who insisted he was a member of fraternity Omega Phi Beta, called 911 after he showed up late to the ritual.

“They were, like, acting really weird,” he said. “At first, I thought someone had gotten some awesome weed. I was actually pretty cool with it until one guy sliced a chicken’s head off.”

No arrests were made, though one officer was seen handcuffing a cult member on the lawn before being confronted by Mr. Hunter. After a brief discussion, the officer released the man, though witnesses described the officer as “sufficiently freaked out.”
Michael, it seemed, legitimately believed he was joining the fraternity of Omega Phi Beta.

“I thought the rush night was a little weird,” he said. “We went down to the lake and met up with another branch of the fraternity, and we had to say these words that didn’t make much sense. My cousin in Phi Delta Theta said they had to do the same thing after a whole bunch of other stuff though, so I thought it was cool. I wasn’t really interested in doing anything more than drinking in the first place.”

A representative from the police department spoke on the condition of anonymity.

“Officers arrived on the scene and discovered what they were dealing with was a failure to communicate,” he said. “We will not speculate at this point whether Mr. Sanders’ stupidity was based on his time with the cult, or something he possessed naturally. Personally, I believe it to be the latter.”

Spokespeople for Omega Phi Beta expressed surprise and worry for Michael’s safety, but were disappointed that they had been confused for a “Lovecraftian Cult.” Likewise, Andrew Hunter was amused by the connection to the fraternity.

“I suppose I should be concerned about the connection,” he said. “But seeing as our organization was founded by several Sigma Phi brothers, I can’t be surprised. I wish all the best for Michael, and may he find glory in the coming days of Lord Omga.”
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Bryant Francis is a sophomore cinema and photography major who just wanted to get fucked up. E-mail him at
rfranci1@ithaca.edu.

Last Friday, Craig and Emily Johnson were enjoying a night out together when they received a distressed call from Jenny Smith, the 16-year-old they hired to babysit their son for the evening.

“She asked me if there was a secret room anywhere in the house where Andy [our 6-year-old son] likes to play,” Craig said.  “I thought this was a little odd, but when I asked her why she wanted to know she just told me that everything was fine and that she was looking for something else to do to keep him occupied until we got back.”

Craig and Emily decided to return home early, and they were especially confused to find Andy asleep on the front porch.

“When I walked in the front door, I saw that the house was a disaster,” Emily said.  “There were couch cushions on the floor, kitchen chairs overturned, closet doors open and toys everywhere.  And on top of all that, there were Oreo cookies spread throughout the hallway.  I didn’t quite understand that.”

It was then that Jenny appeared from one of the bedrooms looking panicked and frazzled.

“She had worked herself into a sweat,” Craig said. “She was throwing cookies, whispering Andy’s name and shaking a baby rattle as if she was looking for a pet or something.  Looking back, it was actually a pretty funny scene.”

Upon seeing the sleepy Andy in his mother’s arms, all Jenny could say was, “Oh, so um … you found him?”

“I guess I should have told her that sometimes Andy likes to wander outside,” Emily said.  “At least she knows now.”

By Jackie Keating

Upon being questioned, Jenny said she thought she had made it clear hiding outside was off limits, but she went on to admit she

Image by Zachary Anderson

might need to be a bit less trusting when it comes to playing with 6-year-olds.

“Hide-and-seek was a bad idea,” she said, shaking her head.

Jackie Keating is a freshman communication management and design major who’s just gonna play freeze tag next time. E-mail her at jkeatin1@ithaca.edu.

Image by Lucy Ravich

Excitement in Veracruz, Mexico, as George Hertz of the archaeological team the Red Jaguars, confirmed the existence of a long-rumored hidden temple.

Since 1993, six archaeological teams have mounted expeditions to seek the temple. Red Jaguars aside, the Blue Barracudas, the Green Monkeys, the Orange Iguanas, the Purple Parrots and the Silver Snakes were all looking for the temple. With so many archaeological teams searching for the fabled temple, one wonders why it took such a long time to uncover the ruin, but temple guide Kirk Fogg pointed to some of the obstacles that lay in the way.

“The moat that surrounds the temple is virtually impassable,” he explained. “The only bridges were built by Mayans long ago out of Goodyear tires suspended in midair by rope. A truly mystifying people.”

Neither the Silver Snakes nor the Orange Iguanas managed to successfully cross the moat. Silver Snake Yoni Gitsuno does not think his team’s expedition was in vain.

“I got a super soaker even though we didn’t cross the moat fast enough,” he said.

All four of the remaining teams studied under famed television icon and giant stone head Dr. Patrick Olmec in the Nickelodeon Studios program at University of Universal Studios at Orlando, Fla. Olmec is known for his radical archaeology method, which includes the smashing of precious clay pots in order to search for keys.

“Olmec taught me all I needed to know,” Hertz said. “We approached the temple only to realize that there were steps. Steps … of knowledge. We had the knowledge. All we had to do was stomp on the ancient markings and answer.”

Though both the Green Monkeys and Red Jaguars made it to this point, Fogg remembers being weary of the Green Monkeys’ ability to safely navigate the temple, and he thus advised them not to go further.

“They didn’t have any pendants of life,” said a foreboding Fogg. “You don’t go into a temple if you don’t have any pendants of life!”

Despite the drama surrounding the temple’s discovery and, of course, the inevitable smashing of precious clay pots, the temple’s discovery has led to an unusually successful excavation. Robbers seem to avoid the site due to the regional myth of the temple guard spirits. Of all the artifacts, however, one stands out as more notable than all the others.

“The Silver Monkey—it’s extremely difficult to assemble,” Hertz said. “None of us here can make heads nor tails of how to put the three pieces together.”

Recognizing the contributions to archaeology that the Red Jaguars have made, Barack Obama awarded the team a travel gear set, a multimedia CD and a week at space camp.
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Noah Burd is a freshman biology major who needs another pendant of life. E-mail him at nburd1@ithaca.edu.

Members of a quiet family in Kennesaw, Ga., are stunned by Friday’s discovery of their dog’s underground stash of unsavory items in the backyard of their once-honorable residence.

According to local authorities, the Goode family dog, Snoopy, has allegedly been pilfering disturbing objects from his owners’ home.  They came across his stash when their neighbor, Barry Thompkins, was spying over their fence and noticed the dog obsessively digging at a spot in their backyard. Thompkins quickly notified Jim Goode, 53, the family’s quiet and modest father.

Image by Zachary Anderson

The family was horrified to discover the dog had taken items from all seven family members at the residence, including their Grandma Mary, who also lives with them, and Ginger, the family cat.

“Mom, what is this?” said second-oldest son Mark, 19, after he pulled out a love letter addressed to her. He admits to reading part of the letter out loud.

“You are an amazing kisser,” he read. “You looked beautiful last night, Evelyn. I love every little thing about you. Your sexy smile, the sound of your voice, and the magic in your eyes.”

The family found another letter in Snoopy’s hole: love letters to their dad, from the same man.
“I love your gentle touch and the warmth I feel at your side,” it said. “I love dreaming about you. You looked amazing last night. And the sex was great.”

The children of Jim and Evelyn were too horrified by other things in the hole to give much thought to the discovery of their parents’ extramarital affairs.

“Was Snoopy going through the bathroom trash again? I’m telling you, that dog needs to be kept outside,”  20-year-old daughter Katelyn said as she scrambled to hide a used pregnancy test.

“What the hell is this?” questioned Jimmy Junior, their 24-year-old son who recently moved back home, after he pulled out an ancient-looking pornographic video. “Hey look, it’s Grandma!”

Evidently, their Grandma Mary went under the pseudonym “Norma Stitz” from an early-1970s porn movie, The Adventures of Norma Stitz and Ben Dover. Grandma was conveniently asleep in her wheelchair at the discovery, and is still in complete denial as to the identity of the large-chested porn star.

Evelyn, Mary’s daughter, was especially disturbed to learn the porn was filmed while she was already a young child.

“This is some fucked up shit. I’m outta here,” said Jimmy Junior, as he subtly stuffed a box of extra small condoms in his pocket.
The last item unearthed in Snoopy’s hole is being investigated further by the local authorities: an illegal narcotic, catnip, seeming to be in Ginger’s (the family cat’s) possession. Ginger has been missing since Friday, the day of the discovery.

Though the Goodes are deeply troubled by these findings, they can at least thank Snoopy for bringing them to light. Family members are each addressing the issues  Snoopy uncovered.

Evelyn and Jim are currently going to marriage counseling, Katelyn is going to a Planned Parenthood meeting, and Jimmy Junior is going to counseling to battle his depression. Snoopy has enlisted in the canine section of the FBI. Grandma still denies the porn allegations.
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Liz Kloczkowski is a freshman journalism major who has nothing to hide … E-mail her at ekloczk1@ithaca.edu.