Author Archive

By Noah Burd In a stern verbal statement released early yesterday afternoon, 525 Oak St. resident Mom let it be known that she would not be offering her son Matthew any more cookies until he tidies up his room. “The state of his bedroom is a mess,” Mom said to reporters with firm conviction. “And [...]

By Noah Burd Local dead-end supermarket employee and self-styled rock star Dom Bidlow announced Thursday that he would be taking that same Dom Bidlow to court on charges of malpractice. “I was a hard worker before this man decided to drastically alter both of our lives with his foolish prescriptions,” Bidlow said while pointing to [...]

By Noah Burd Excitement in Veracruz, Mexico, as George Hertz of the archaeological team the Red Jaguars, confirmed the existence of a long-rumored hidden temple. Since 1993, six archaeological teams have mounted expeditions to seek the temple. Red Jaguars aside, the Blue Barracudas, the Green Monkeys, the Orange Iguanas, the Purple Parrots and the Silver [...]

By Noah Burd No, seriously, you’ve gotta see this movie,” Thomas Welsh, 34, said to a homeless man in a park this weekend. “The characters live in real life, only it’s not real life. It’s a computer simulation of real life. But here’s the thing: who’s to say we’re not all just living in a [...]

By Noah Burd A boy who in 1995 went missing in a Best Buy was found Monday and returned to his parents. Jake Woodruff, now 17, was discovered when employee Ted Anderson asked if he needed any help. “He just said, ‘Don’t have a cow, man,’” Anderson said of Monday’s events. “Assuming that he had [...]