Stand out to your fellow patriots and hopefully not the FBI
Below is the Snapchat Story transcript of 22-year-old Karen Schneider’s video postings. The videos were posted to her private story, “ur fav conservative chick!! (with emojis: American flag, white skin tone piece sign, face with heart eyes, red heart, white heart, blue heart).” The transcript below of the dialogue spoken in the videos will be used as evidence against Schneider in a court of law for her actions in the insurrection of the Capitol.
January 6th, 2021, 10:03 am
Schneider: Hey guys, it’s Karen here! Today is a good day because it’s finally time to declare our revolution. Basically, as I’m sure you guys know, there has been an endless amount of voter fraud in the previous election because, you know, it’s true. Sleepy Joe Biden and his snowflake supporters apparently believe that they won the election. Even that traitor Pence is siding with them. But, we all know Trump is still our President for at least the next four years. Today, I’m going to be joining my fellow Patriots as we march to the Capitol building and demand change for what’s right. Follow along on my journey today as I finally help find justice for the one and only man who can make America great again, Donald Trump.
Schneider: Before I get dressed, I thought I would give you guys a quick tour of my room. I live in a small townhouse close to my campus. Speaking of college, I’m actually a senior, so I finally get to graduate this year. The past four years have been rough for me. It’s so hard to be a conservative when you’re surrounded by people with such different views. I’ve faced so many struggles because people automatically assume I’m racist or have white privilege just because I’m white. Anywho, let me actually show you my room. My comforter has red, white and blue stripes, and then over here is a MyPillow. It really is the most comfortable pillow, and the owner, that Mike Lindell guy, really knows his politics. Right here on my dresser is my favorite lotion. It usually smells like roses, but today, I can’t really smell it. I’m not exactly sure why. Over here on my wall, I have two Trump 2020 flags. Speaking of which, let me take down one of those flags so I don’t forget it later.
Schneider: Alright, it’s finally time to get dressed. First, I have these camo pants which remind me of hunting season. Next, I have this black tank top with an American flag, which is a bit snug on me, but oh well. Over here on my dresser, I also have this mask thing with an American flag on it. I know some people have been wearing masks lately, but I personally think it looks a lot better as a headband to complement my freshly dyed blonde hair. Plus, who needs masks? It’s a scamdemic anyway. Lastly, I’m going to wrap my Trump flag over my shoulders. I also have a light make-up routine that I started doing. I just put on about half a bottle of foundation, sometimes a bit more. I bought a darker shade the other day because of the orange spray tan I got last week. Then, I usually apply a good amount of powder to both cheeks. I also really like to add eyeliner to my eyebrows to make them look thicker. The last thing I have is this bright pink lipstick, which I actually just got on my tooth.
Schneider: I’m in my truck right now. On the back window, I have a couple of stickers. Of course, I have like four Trump stickers. Then, I have one that says, “Make Liberals Cry Again.” They all eat babies anyway. I also have a Texas flag sticker because that’s where I’m originally from. I really miss the warm weather down there. That’s the place where everyone knows climate change is a scam.
Schneider (loud); Guys, I’m finally here! Karen Schneider reporting to you live from the Capitol! It’s so great to finally meet some real Patriots who actually love America. I just met a few guys over there. One of them was wearing this awesome Viking helmet and he had his face painted. Awesome dude. He said something about wanting to steal a podium and I told him to go for it. I also heard some guy screaming, “Pelosi’s office! Where is it?” I hope he finds it. There was another guy who said the most darling thing to me. He told me that if I make him a sandwich, he’ll make me a bait box. I love me a tough man!
Schneider (crying): I just got pepper sprayed! My eyes are burning! This cop came up to me, and I thought he wanted to take a picture, but then he started yelling. I told him that I was on his side but then he started screaming even louder. So I went to claw him with my nails and I got pepper sprayed! Oh my God, I literally cannot see!
Schneider: “I finally made it back home after my eyes stopped burning. Overall, I’d consider today a success. I mean there were a couple of mishaps, but the main point is that I stood up for the best President this dang country’s ever seen. He even said that we’re special and he loves us.
January 10th, 2021, 11:46 am
Schneider (panicking): I’m currently hiding under my bed! I just heard a knock on the door and then someone yelled, ‘It’s the FBI! Open up!’ I don’t know what’s going on! Is this some sort of joke? I’m not going down. I’m going to keep fighting! Trump 2024!
Legend has it, Karen Schneider then snuck out the back door of her house and placed her Trump flag on the grass. She then flew away on the flag like it was a magic carpet while yelling, “An acquittal to all, and to all an acquittal!” while the FBI stared in dismay. She hasn’t been seen since.
This evidence will be used to prosecute Karen Schneider to the fullest extent when she is found. There is currently a reward for any information on Schenider’s whereabouts.
Stephanie Tokasz is a first-year Film, Photography, and Visual Art major who has made a killing selling sparkly pink MAGA hats on etsy. You can reach them at email@example.com.
Art by Art Editor Adam Dee.