Has Been Thrown Away
In such tumultuous times as these, Ithaca College is only one of many institutions that finds itself in a dire financial situation and need to take some hard looks at its plans for the future and how they may need to change. However, in this case, a unique roadblock has sprung up: The heart-shaped key to the little pink notebook in which the college kept all of its financial information has been lost.
At press time, the college has released a statement saying that the choice of information storage medium felt like a much better idea when they first purchased the notebook at that quaint little yard sale that reminded them that there were more important things in the world than all this modern hullabaloo. It is currently unknown when the loss occurred, although several occurrences of the movements of younger siblings in unauthorized areas have been pointed at as potential culprits. The possibility that the key was stolen in an act of sabotage by a rival school cannot currently be discounted.
When pressed, the college’s spokesman admitted that the key’s whereabouts have been unknown for a minimum of two years and that in the interim they’ve mostly been making things up as they went along. They were certain they were going to be found out when they auctioned off all the old student records to the highest bidder or forced all the speech classes to share the same speech, but were pleasantly surprised to find that nothing struck the student body as being particularly out of the ordinary.
Currently, the college is responding by waiting to see if their one locksmith friend will respond to their email and offering a full scholarship to anyone who can see the key safely returned. In the meantime, in the absence of any financial information that may inform the college of what cuts may need to be made among the staff, all current teachers and faculty are invited this spring to play a rousing game of he-fires-me, he-fires-me-not using flowers helpfully donated by the local gardening club.
Peter Tkaczyk is a fourth-year writing major who has been using the same password for every account since middle school so they don’t forget. You can reach them at email@example.com.