Let’s be real here folks; I need you to trust me to understand this story, and you cannot trust unless I am completely transparent with you. Yes, I was a girl scout for 13 years. I did the camping, cookies, endless repeats of “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” and rocked a khaki vest like nobody’s business. I have since reformed, and am finally ready to speak about life on the inside.
The beginning of any scout meeting consists of repeating your dedication to the cause, and chanting in unison the promise to “live by the girl scout law.” One of the commandments of this law is to “be a sister to every girl scout.” Sorry, but I’m pretty sure the members of the Manson family referred to themselves as “sisters” as well. Keep those tiny hippies away from me.
This practice never seemed strange to me until the day we all had to bring a bag of nail clippings to “burn for the eternal fire of Juliette Gordon-Low.” We were told only clean nails would be accepted, and Jenna of course forgot, submitting her clippings with remnants of whorish pink nail polish on them. Her family moved away suddenly after that, which was strange. They say her cries can still be heard floating on a warm Savannah breeze.
Not to mention parents don’t bat an eye when sending their children off to the scout “camps,” to be pumped full of marshmallows and dangerous ideologies. I don’t think I’m wrong to have a natural distrust of large groups of unmarried women together in one place. From my experience, they use this time to learn dangerous skills like starting fires, pocket knife use, and polishing up their chants which they then sing for the night. It is through this ritual that they create the “bonds” that allow their control to spread.
In their evil brilliance, they have found the way to keep Americans from asking any questions: give them cookies. Those little capitalist bots use chocolate-coated espionage to worm their way into every household from coast to coast. With about half of the scouts in the world participating in the cookie fundraiser, and each of these girls on average selling around 100 boxes of cookies, that comes out to a yearly total of $380 million in profits. That’s half the net worth of Simon Cowell being pumped into the weaponizing and training of little girls to fight for the glorious scout militia.
Rumor has it, Thin Mints are laced with hallucinogenic drugs that are meant to “open the mind to the power of the girl,” and if you record the sound of chewing a Trefoil and play it backwards, it will reveal the recipe for the cookie the FDA deemed “too dangerous for those weak of heart.”
The scouts even have their own hierarchy within their organization. Daisies will always be chasing the high of becoming brownies, and once a scout has received their gold awards, they become an official high master of scouts. These rare achievers will then gain access to the full power of the mind, and we should consider ourselves lucky if they use this power for good. It’s scary how quickly absolute control can corrupt the soul.
Photo provided courtesy of Sarah Borsari.