Allocate funds to invest in crystals, salves, and leeches.
In response to mounting frustrations over repeated roadblocks on the search for a treatment, cure or vaccine for the COVID-19 pandemic, younger doctors are increasingly turning to more esoteric methods in the hopes of finding some way of slowing the spread of the deadly disease.
One potential method that shows particular promise and will soon begin human trials is Leech-Enabled Bloodletting (LEB). Despite common beliefs about angry ghosts, COVID-19 is actually caused by tiny undead creatures called “viruses”, which live inside the human bloodstream. By removing portions of blood, the amount of viruses in the body by weight decreases, giving your immune system an advantage in fighting off the invaders. The leeches will then harmlessly convert the infected blood into more leeches. Testing will hopefully rule out the primary potential risk of this method, Vampiric Cross Curse Contamination (VCCC), the phenomenon where consuming an undead creature, in whole or in part, can cause the consumer to become undead themselves. In the worst–case scenario, the leeches may metamorphose into macroscopic viruses, Just Like In That One Star Trek Episode (JLITOSTE).
Already being employed for certain at-risk patients is the tried-and-true method of homeopathic reapplication of viral material. In simple terms, in any case that excessive amounts of something cause damage, minute amounts of the same substance will reverse that damage. Thus far, the injecting of individual COVID-19 viruses into infected patients has shown little to no change. Further research is being made towards more metaphorical causes of the disease. Future trials will focus on exposing patients to tiny amounts of not covering your face or being too close to another human being.
Not all research makes it so far, however. While the Harvard Medical Center recently showed promising results with utilizing quartz crystals to draw out negative energies, the Harvard Anti-Irony Board has advised a full stop to all further research into this field.
“We have always advised against the mass use of highly symbolic medical instruments such as healing crystals,” board spokesperson Alan James said. “Too many crystals are in use, and suddenly, bam, they’ve decided that it’s actually the planet that they’re treating, and we were the real virus after all, which could represent a considerable escalation in the scale of this crisis.”
Harvard has responded, stating that they are suspending all further crystal testing until further research can be conducted on the risks involved.
Despite the disquieting scale and reach of the pandemic, the continued effort and dedication of researchers like these around the world continue to give renewed hope. While many roads may lead to dead ends, an abundance of roads can only improve the chances of one leading somewhere, and so maximizing the resources spent on niche areas of the medical field can only bring us to better places.
Peter Tkaczyk is a fourth-year writing major who has definitely not lost 15% of his blood to leeches (DNLBTL). You can reach them at firstname.lastname@example.org.