Agree to overthrow half of the government
Across American households, a deep ideological divide has split conservative parents and progressive children for years. It has manifested itself in unpleasant family dinners and uncomfortable car rides. 49-year-old father Gerald Pearson and his 19-year-old teenager Alex Pearson are no different. For four years, Alex has argued for the “complete destruction of our antiquated system,” while Gerald has stood in strong defense of “the traditional way of doing things.” After years of intractable conflict which has jeopardized their relationship, we are delighted to hear that they have come up with a compromise to end their disagreement once and for all. After much deliberation, they have agreed to overthrow only half of the government.
This innovative approach satisfies everyone. It gives the power back to the people, guarantees minorities their human rights, and unshackles the American citizenry from the bonds of capitalism, while, at the same time, it does absolutely none of those things.
It’s a solution so simple that we’re shocked it has never been proposed before. How would this ever work, you may be wondering. Fret not, the following are some important changes that will be implemented as decided upon by the Pearsons:
- In regards to immigration, this new America will embody the cries of Emma Lazarus, immortalized on the statue of liberty promising to “Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.” However, it will only do so for a 24 hour, purge-type period biannually. During this period, the borders will open, and a mad rush will proceed. Anyone who makes it across the border in that period gets immediate American citizenship. For the rest of the time, immigration restrictions will remain as usual.
- As the police force is a racist system evolved from slave catchers, it has to be abolished. To fill the corrupt power deficit and let men continue to play with their murder toys, mailmen will now be armed with handguns and tasers. They will be permitted to use any force they deem necessary to “protect the mail” without question. As known adversaries of mailmen, it is predicted that domestic dog populations will face mass slaughter. This is a small price to pay for national harmony.
- Despite calls to “eat the rich,” most Americans would agree that this course of action would be ruthless, undignified, and inhumane. Instead, the rich will be consumed in a much more civilized protein shake form. These protein shakes will be catchily branded with flavors like the “Bezos Banana Blend” and the “ Musk Mango Mix.” Mark Zuckerberg will be spared, as his name doesn’t lend itself well to alliteration.
- Clean water is essential, so strict regulations will be put in place on corporations to prevent water pollution. However, air pollution can continue; after watching the 2012 animated film “The Lorax” starring Danny DeVito during family movie night, both Gerald and Alex have agreed that the concept of artificial bottled air featured in the film “looks pretty cool.” Additionally, if the polluted air makes the surface of the earth uninhabitable, due to how clean our water is, we can always devolve back into fish people, live underwater, and simply not breathe.
The full 46-page plan for the future of America can be found in Alex’s notes app, or scribbled on half-crumpled napkins scattered around the Pearson family den. In these trying times, we can finally look towards the future with optimism thanks to the Pearson family, who turned to our divided country and dared to ask, ‘Why can’t there be an easy way out?’
Eliel Safran is a first-year film, photo and visual arts major who has begun catfishing billionaires for their delicious flesh. You can reach them at firstname.lastname@example.org.