If you’re like me—special and unique in every way—then you might have found yourself in a cute unexpected quarantine-moment where all of your ambitions for the future have been dashed or momentarily put on hold.
Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s fine that you’re stuck at home on a Friday night! In fact, you’re being trendy as hell. And to make your life a little better, I’ve decided to share with you some super cool and fun activities to make your quarantine a goddamn smash.
- Get outta bed.
You’re probably already mad at me. Who gave me the right to say that? But this is how all great things happen. You think Robyn wrote “Dancing on My Own” from her bed? No, bitch, she wrote it from the corner. So get out of bed and face another gorgeous day in Corona Town.
- Thank our God for Being Alive
Okay, now that you’re out of bed, it’s time for you to begin your day. And how else should one be greeting a new day under government-sanctioned regulations, then taking a moment to thank the Lord for all the gifts that we have received?
Pro Tip: There are absolutely no regulations on how many times you can pray in one day. So really go for it with this one.
- Get Your Shit Together
Just do it. Start and do it. Get your shit. And then just get it together! I promise you will be so much better off. But just remember that you have to do all of it, and if you don’t, then think of all the people outside who are.
- Start Your Passion Project
Once your shit is together, you can take a moment to reflect on how great you are at completing tasks. No one is better at time management and following trends than you are, you special little guy who is only afraid of birds sometimes.
Once you are done congratulating yourself, it’s time to begin that novel/screenplay/painting/organizational regime you’ve been meaning to get to, but life kept getting in the way! Well, you know what? Life as we know it is over. There is no ending and there is no beginning. There is no future, there is no past; there is barely a present. So write that knock-off of Juno. You go, girl!
- Like, clean your room or something!
So when you’re finished with your passion project, and your shit is all neatly put together, and it’s not even noon yet, then like, I dunno, clean your room?
Yeah. Yeah, clean your room. That’s always a good idea.
Go crazy and maybe even get that vacuum out! Disinfect every surface until you forget that every YA dystopian novel you’ve ever read is about to come to life before your very eyes. Also, water your plants!
- Annoy your housemates???
If you are lucky enough to be spending this quarantine moment with someone special like a step-mom or a sublet, then take this time to go enrage anyone in your general vicinity with your antics. If their door is closed, fucking whip it open! If they’re asleep, that’s a perfect time for Ke$ha in The Shared Spaces. If they are notoriously neat, go ahead and use their toothbrush! I don’t care. Whatever YOU gotta do to stay grounded, bby. It’s tough out there.
- Ahh jeez like just stand around?
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- Say enough is enough and take matters into your own hands
Maybe you feel your shit starting to not be as together as it was earlier, so it’s time for you to do something drastic to your body. Claim ownership of this stupid flesh vessel.
Now is the time for you to learn how to give stick-n-pokes! Or to make your roommate that probably hates you now, pierce your ears Parent Trap-style with a thumbtack! But more likely, you will probably decide to just dye your hair again, you simple bitch.
- Dye your hair.
Maybe a primary color? Something that would make your Gramma say “I miss the old Kanye.”
Whatever you decide on, absolutely do not read any instructions or watch any tutorials because you are a baddie who has come so far entirely on your own.
- Say fuck it and watch Glee
When your hair inevitably comes out a different color than you planned, and after your momentary break down where you realize that maybe you don’t have the personality for a pandemic, center yourself and remember that no one is going to see you for months, mama, so the only solution—besides a complete dismantling of capitalism, followed by civil unrest that brings this entire fucking establishment to the ground—is to watch Glee.
And I know what you’re thinking: Glee is for losers, Glee is for people who wanted to major in musical theatre—and honestly, I hear you. But this situation we’re in is so unprecedented, that it’s time for you to swallow your pride—and a mixed drink of whatever you have left in your fridge—and return to a simpler time between the years of 2009-2014 (yes, Glee seriously was still on in 2014) because that’s all that can be asked of you right now. It’s pretty fucking shitty out there and you deserve to have this moment for yourself.
And always remember that Jesus (Santana Lopez) loves you, and Trump fired the entire Pandemic response team in 2018.
Adam Messinger is a fourth-year writing major who is definitely not having a breakdown. You can reach them at firstname.lastname@example.org.