Eating a Whole Lemon May be the Only Answer
This past week, a study was published by the Ithaca Institute of Scientific Matter stating that eating a whole lemon is a highly effective remedy to common cold and flu symptoms. Within minutes of ingestion, a whole lemon will alleviate common ailments such as coughing, headaches and sore throats in nearly all test cases. Thus far, a whole lemon has been found to have no notable side effects.
When approached, the lead researcher on the study, Doctor Jim Particle, was happy to report on the science of the situation. “It all comes down to the acidic nature of the lemon,” said Jim Particle. “You see, your body isn’t good at detecting quantities in the materials it ingests, so when you eat a lemon, it has no way of knowing that you’re not eating a far larger quantity of a far more potent acid. A modern individual is most likely to experience such a situation when dumped into a pit of acid, and your body knows this, clearing up your respiratory systems in case you need to struggle for air. If you’ve ever noticed a sudden jump in face scrunchidity after eating a lemon, that has its roots in these physiological effects. Furthermore, your body redirects anti-disease measures into anti-acid measures, ending symptoms such as fever and allowing you to heal normally.”
While eating a whole lemon is always advantageous, a single pattern emerged that proved to be most effective in testing. For ideal results, a lemon should be consumed with the rind while staring deeply into your own eyes in the mirror. Flinching must be avoided. In the event that you flinch while consuming the whole lemon, you must discard it and begin again. Of course, this is not expected to cause any significant issues among the general populace because anyone can eat a lemon. Only the worst kind of coward would flinch at eating a lemon.
Additionally, a whole lemon has also been found to be especially helpful among certain demographics. Noted qualities include being tall, having short blond hair, and having one or more roommates. But they’re more than your roommates, they’re your friends. At least, they thought they were. Researchers noted that if you would be willing to screw such friends over for nothing more than a few bucks and a couple of prospects, you should eat a whole lemon immediately.
The study also found that eating a whole lemon may have other unexpected benefits, which is perhaps why researchers have proved to be so insistent in urging you to do so immediately. Eating a whole lemon may improve your perception of your own surroundings to the point where you’re able to know when somebody wants you to do the cleaning without forcing them to actually ask you, and may encourage you to actually dust that useless collection of knickknacks everyone’s so tired of seeing. It is even possible that eating a whole lemon may rearrange your vocal structure to the point that you stop making that slight gasp of surprise when you’re watching television and see something that’s supposed to be shocking but it’s not shocking; you knew exactly what was going to happen. Nobody thinks it’s cute anymore, not after what you did. Know that it would be enough to make your roommate(s) move out if it weren’t for the apartment’s highly convenient address for local eateries and sightseeing. We all know I could’ve gotten my picture in that magazine if you hadn’t spent half an hour preening yourself in the mirror that morning and stealing the spotlight. God. Where’s my magazine deal? Where’s my three hundred dollars? Go eat a whole lemon. Jim Particle wants you to.
Of course, study of this exciting new treatment is still in its early stages, and more research is needed, but prospects look good so far for starting true clinical trials within the next few months. As we build a better understanding of the mechanics behind a whole lemon and devise a treatment from it, it looks likely that we’ll have an over-the-counter whole-lemon-derivative by this time next year. But then again, these things always take more time than they should. Whatever the timeframe shakes out to be, it seems that humanity’s dream, a cure for the common cold, is truly just around the corner.
Peter Tkaczyk is a third-year writing major who is stocking up on citrus for the impending apocalypse. You can reach them at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Art by Treasurer Julia Batista.