Claim the Health Board Doesn’t Even Know What They’re Talking About
An open letter to our College Judicial Board,
We as an organization would like to offer our deepest regrets that this committee must once again become involved in the affairs of our fraternity. We would also like to express our frustration at this campus for once again targeting our group and villainizing us simply for creating a community where we can be ourselves.
Not to mention that we are a group that is constantly giving back to the community and participating in philanthropic efforts. This year’s bikini bitches car wash fundraiser raised over $2,000, which we split and donated to both the NRA and our local Chick-fil-A, two groups that also get a bad rep. Additionally, we also have three current chapter members who participate in their own weekly service events ? until the end of the semester when their parole lets up.
Still, despite all the good we do, you send the health department after us? Our chapter house is always held up to code and the highest standards of cleanliness, despite what the department’s report claims. The mold in the fridge was only there because of Kyle’s science assignment and the traces of vomit found in the water system are just from the rager we threw last night. Additionally, the nachos that were found under Michael’s bed were also for an experiment we were trying, and if you hadn’t disturbed them, they would have become alcohol by now.
You see, during our ‘hula for hoes’ fundraiser, Kevin came up with a brilliant idea. We had bought these nasty nachos from Taco Bell. We’re talking inedible here. So instead of wasting them, we decided to try and ferment them to create our own jalapeño booze. To be fair, not everyone was on board with the idea. Chad is a bio major and he told us it wouldn’t work. But in our defense, Chad is also a major buzzkill, so why would we listen to him?
Think about it. Normal fermentation works because you leave a bunch of fruit out to stank up and then it becomes alcohol, so why wouldn’t it work with our Taco Bell meal? Plus beer ferments because of the yeast, and there is yeast in chips! We also figured we could make a fun theme night out of it! Instead of brewing prison wine, we could have our own Frat Fermentation Bash. And we would maximize our profits because we wouldn’t have to waste so much money on booze.
Once again this school shows how little they care about justice for frats, and the health department is taking a page from Chad’s book and acting like a total buzzkill. Like sure, you guys are fun and all for the first three beers, but after that all you do is talk about how we need to “rise above the stereotypes of frats” and “respect women”; get off my dick, man! So, we would like to formally request that both the health department and the judicial board get off our dicks, and allow us to conduct our research in peace, so we can continue to be a force for good on this campus.
Kyle, Tyler, Chad, Brad, Trent, Brayden, Zayne, Biff, Kevin, Michael, Cody, Logan, Brett, Zach, and TJ
Sarah Borsari is a first-year cinema & photography major who knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who could totally hook you up with some macaroni moonshine. You can reach them at firstname.lastname@example.org.