Innovative Program Will Not Risk Anyone Important
Before you ask, yes, NASA is still relevant and necessary for more than just a logo on Teen Girls’ t-shirts, and we are beginning a new initiative to further explore and uncover the secrets of our galaxy! We would also like to remind you that the Moon landing was real, and that Stanley Kubrick is dead so good luck getting him to talk. Of course, these new missions are dangerous, and we are doing everything in our power to ensure that we proceed with ample amounts of caution and low amounts of risk.
We have decided that on these missions we will only be sending monkeys and women into space. Monkeys have been chosen due to their above-average animal intelligence and dexterous capabilities, and women have been chosen due to their lack of relevance in society and longer life span.
We wouldn’t dream of depriving American societies of the key aspect that helps run all their lives. We wouldn’t want to damage economies by removing skilled workers and the high-income members that support its economy. We also want to ensure the safety of our citizens and cannot imagine the danger if our protectors and heroes were to leave. Think of going a whole day without being belittled or condescended to! We wouldn’t even wish that on the Russians. Let’s be honest here, is anyone going to miss Linda from the carpool or Karen from the soccer fundraisers? I bet their kids wouldn’t even notice.
We also think women and monkeys would be a compatible match due to their similar personality aspects and skills. Both classically lack patience and perseverance. I mean, when was the last time you saw either complete a long-term goal? Aside from that chimp that mauled its owner’s face? Both species are also extremely dependent on others for food, shelter, and income, and now get to be dependent on the space program. They both also love playing and hate restraint. In the immortal words of Cindi Lauper; Girls just wanna have fun.
These brave space cadets are going to be launching into places never explored before. During our first mission we plan on launching a ship into a black hole and see if it comes back out, and we already have Bobo the Chimp and Donna from HR lined up for the challenge. We simply want to ensure that we are not dealt with too many heavy losses.
Historically, women have an interesting record when it comes to space travel. Remember when we tried to send 2 women to space and they took down 5 good men with them? We couldn’t imagine repeating the national tragedy that it would be to lose another 5 men. It is because of these past instances that we believe women will fail in just the right ways to inform our missions.
We can’t wait to see what space has in store for us! And we can’t wait to colonize a new planet to send all the women to!
Sarah Borsari is a first year cinema and photography major who spends their free time teaching STEM classes to girl scouts and chimpanzees. You can reach them at firstname.lastname@example.org.