New Theme Park Prospects Are Out of This World
Thank you all for joining us today. I am here to present to you the newest acquisition made by the Disney company. As you know in the past we have made a number of purchases to help improve our entertainment empire, and we are proud of the success that has come from our control of companies such as Marvel, Lucasfilm, and ABC. It is because of this success that we have made a purchase that is truly ‘out of this world’… the Disney company now owns the Moon!
As you know we have had some legal troubles with the Moon in the past due to their crater formations resembling unauthorized Hidden Mickeys, but we are happy to announce that we have put all that ugliness behind us. Plus, it was that same crippling lawsuit that allowed us to swoop in on the shattered economic remains of the Moon and make this exciting purchase. We have also carved some Moon rock from the center and have shaped an exciting new Mickey into the night sky!
We have already begun construction and development on all the new and exciting opportunities that will be available to you and your families as a result of this merger. As of tomorrow, our official interactive Atlantis experience will be open at Disney World! By simply shifting the Moon’s gravitational placement, our imagineers were able to create this fun and interactive adventure and only flood one developing country.
We have also begun the exciting process of ripping Tomorrowland from our Orlando park and launching it into space, including everyone’s favorite coaster :Space Mountain! Or as it’s called in space: “Mountain.”
Star Wars fans should also get excited! In response to the desire for more practical effects to pay homage to the original films, all films going forward are going to be shot on-location. New films are already slated to be released from this locale including; “Star Wars: Moon Mission” and “Binks” a gritty, unapologetic look into the origin story of one of Star Wars’ most classic villains; Jar Jar Binks.
Just remember folks, :if you try to stop us, we will eclipse the sun with our brand-new character discs! Mini versions are available for purchase in any Disney store to trade with friends and family, and to always remind you that any day you could be plunged into eternal darkness. But don’t worry, for the right price you can join us in the Moon vault with Walt Disney’s body and purge the world of those who won’t respect the power of the mouse.
Is this an abuse of our power? No way! The Sherman Antitrust Act hasn’t stopped us yet and feel free to contact your congressperson at their Disney Parks timeshare. Always remember we own everything you love. Want to unsubscribe from Disney plus? We just bought your family farm and we’ll lay off your parents if you don’t watch High School Musical: The Series. Don’t even think about calling anybody: we have planted drugs in your dorm and all it will take is one phone call to bring your world tumbling down. Remember your childhood? Where did you always want to go during summer vacation? What movies did you watch with your friends?We have always been there and we are only getting stronger. There’s nowhere to run and nowhere the light of the Mickey Moon ™ doesn’t shine. Where are you going to run to? The Moon?
Take a fun family trip on our Wall-E-themed shuttle and then spend a luxurious week in our Galactic Hotel! Love a Mickey premium bar? Try our new freeze-dried mickey treats! Have fun searching the resort for Hidden Mickeys, and remember to report all alien life discovered to our magic staff. Remember, we legally have claim to any extraterrestrial life discovered, just try to get our government to interfere with the free market. Also, any properties not owned by us must now be prepared to pay royalties on their use of the Moon in any films or products going forward.
We can’t wait for you to meet us at the Moon in our most magical development yet!
Sarah Borsari is a first year cinema and photography major who mysteriously disappeared after writing this article, but their hacked Facebook says they’re in Disney World, so we’re not concerned. You can reach them at firstname.lastname@example.org.