White Team vs POC Team
It was an outstanding defeat for the People of Color at the 527th Annual Tightrope Competition, where the whites won 51 points to POC’s 13. This victory continued a record-setting 527-year winning streak for the whites.
Before the competition started, the setup team placed the tightrope and placing the rope at 10 feet and strung a net filled with pillows between the tentpoles. The competition began just like any of the competitions in its history of the tournament: the whites go first. First to compete was gold medalist Winston Thornback VI. He was born in Rhode Island to the Thornback family, many members of which competed in the Mayflower divisions. His path to the competitions was not easy. He (sorta) worked to attend Harvard University on the Winston G.Thornback scholarship of $78,000. It took a lot of work to be related to a rich man and receive his scholarship.
He walked on the rope and not even halfway through, he stumbled, fell off and landed on the pillow-filled net. The judges quickly evaluated the performance and gave the following scores: 10, 9.5, 10. A combined score of 29.5.
“I think I did good,” said Thornback. “I don’t know why everyone says I have it easy. I mean, those pillows are not as soft as they seem. I mean, they were soft, but not that soft.”
Next up was Lisa Burr playing for the whites. Lisa Burr is from East Texas and once dated a black guy, so she knows the struggles of the other team. Before she started, the setup team removed the pillows. Burr walked on the tightrope and she succeeded at first, but about halfway through, she fell into the net. The judges already decided on her scores: 7,7.5,7 for a combined score of 21.5.
“I mean, I’m a little frustrated with my score,” said Burr. “Then I remembered what team I’m on and I was like, ‘Oh, I’m still good.’”
Now it was the other team’s turn: the POCs. The POCs have had a long history with the competitions. At first, the Native Americans would compete, but there’s not many of them competing for some reason. The blacks later were required to play for the first few centuries. However, they didn’t earn points. The Japanese were put in timeout in the 1942-1946 competitions, even though the German tightrope competition did a similar thing. Oh, well.
First up for the POCs was Tyrus Smith. Tyrus Smith grew up in Atlanta, Georgia, was valedictorian of his high school and received a partial scholarship at the University of Georgia. Before Tyrus got on the tightrope, the setup team raised the rope 20 feet higher and removed the net entirely. Tyrus went on the rope and walked it, but stumbled a little, but never fell, making it to the other side. Without looking at one another or discussing his performance, the judges gave him the following scores: 4,5,4. A combined score of 13.
“I mean, I made it to the other side and yet they still gonna give me shit,” said Smith.
Next, it’s the final athlete for the POCs: Kerry Alvarez. The setup team raised the rope higher and the net returns, but it’s quickly set on fire. Alvarez walked the rope perfectly and made it to the other side. The judges went into hurried discussion with each other. Then one of the judges came out of the huddle and said they could not give a score because they suspected Alvarez of juicing. She has been placed under investigation.
“We have reason to believe that Alvarez was cheating.” said one of the judges. “I mean, an athlete like her couldn’t have succeeded without ruining the integrity of the games.”
“Yeah, you can’t trust these colo… athletes always looking for a way to cheat,” said Bud Whitemen, the coach for the white team and 25-time gold medalist. “Things changed when they lowered the bar for the other team. I mean it’s unfair for us. It evens the playing field, my ass. How do you expect us to succeed when you play favorites.”
Alvarez seemed unfazed by the accusation and investigation.
“I mean I’m used to it,” said Alvarez. “When the other team succeeds, it’s due to their athletic ability, but when I do good, I’m a cheater. It’s fine. It’s not like it happens all the time… oh wait. It does. Like all the time.”
This was not the first time that there has been an accusation of cheating in the competition. In the 2008 competition, an athlete by the name of Barack Obama gained the most points of the other athletes, but the judges were suspicious of his success and didn’t think he was eligible to play. They later asked for his competition registration papers.
All in all, the whites won this competition. Read next week’s report on the boxing match between straight/cisgenders and the LGBTQIA community and see who wins. I know who I have my money on.
Kevin Gyasi-Frempah is a first year writing major who always carries a fire extinguisher during tightrope competitions. You can reach them at firstname.lastname@example.org.