Transcribed Speech from First Chair Trombonist to School Board
Parents, students, and members of the school board,
I know the baseball team is here tonight to discuss the new field lights so I will try to keep it brief, but since you have stopped answering my emails and petitions, I am here to ask again. When are you going to name band a varsity sport?
Oh my muscles? Thank you for noticing. Yes they are natural, I guess I just lifted a lot of boxes at my summer job at the ice cream stand. Cones are heavy, you know. Plus, all of you are clearly underestimating how much work we do in the band. Okay, if you really want to know, I had a bit of assistance with these bad boys. I did a bit of doping on a family trip to the Jersey shore, but to be fair, its New Jersey, they practically pump it into the water supply. I also have been juicing consistently for the past couple months but I promise, its for the good of the band.
Think of how long I can hold out the notes on my trombone with guns like these. I’m going to be able to switch notes so fast the breeze is going to push the sheet music off the stands. The guard girls should probably start doing it too. Then they could catch their triple spins, and we’d have less trumpet players out with concussions. Plus, you can’t deny the band the varsity jurisdiction we deserve after you see how shredded I am. I can’t wait to see how jealous all the football players will be after they see me in the field during halftime, with my muscles bulging out of my uniform. I wonder if my uniform is still going to fit now that I’m so jacked. The volunteer Moms are definitely going to have to size a new jacket for me. They’re going to be so impressed with my muscles, even if Suzy from the flute section isn’t.
Who am I kidding? Suzy is going to love my muscles. She and I got really close when we took precalculus together last year. I would have made a move, but I was just waiting for the right time, y’know? Plus she was dating Luis, the french horn player from the track team. Maybe I should join track, and get even more ripped. Probably not, that’ll take away too much of my Minecraft time. Maybe I will just switch to the tuba. That’s definitely a lot more work, and I would finally get a leg day in, since my arms are the only thing that’s getting a workout right now. Plus the only person that plays the tuba is Jenna, and she’s four feet tall, weighs less than her instrument, and passes out during every practice. Plus if I switched, I would be closer to Suzy’s section, and I could finally compliment her on how she matches her braces color to the season.
Plus I am easily the best looking guy in band. Johnny the saxophonist has gotten heavier, Andrew the clarinetist is breaking out so badly he’s practically oozing pus, and Marty the trumpet player, my main competitor, looks like he and his barber are in some kind of fight, which means I’m ready to claim my title as best looking band kid.
There have been some drawbacks to my new situation. It turns out that 30 year old uniforms and my now heavy sweating situation don’t mix very well. I had my Mom try to wash the smell out, but it won’t go away. I just hope Suzy doesn’t notice at practice today, otherwise I’ll miss my shot for good.
What’s that? Band is approved to be a varsity sport! Thank you so much. We’re getting new uniforms, a spot during the pep rally, and the best practice time in the field! Wow! The volunteer moms are going to be baking me cookies for months because of this! I’m sorry what else? We all have to perform mandatory varsity drug tests?
Sarah Borsari is a first year Cinema and Photography major who advocates coating your mouthpieces and reeds with protein powder. You can reach them at firstname.lastname@example.org.