Stores Across the Country Exposed While Consumers Seem Unconcerned
Chaos has erupted in high fashion department stores across the country. Once revered fashion labels like Abercrombie and Fitch, Supreme and Nordstrom now run rampant with narcissistic, shopping addicted cult-like consumers that want nothing more than to parasitically worship these stores as their almighty father.
Abercrombie and Fitch appears to have been hit the hardest. What was once a revered member of the fashion industry, is now a Bridget-infested dumpster fire ruled fiercely by its cult leader Brittany Buys-A-Lot. Buzzsaw Magazine caught up with Buys-A-Lot to check in on the current status of the store.
“We are in the process of a consumer-friendly cleansing,” Buys-A-Lot said, who has started the new practice of eliminating employees she deems disloyal to the brand.
Numerous reports of employees being stripped of their jobs and brutally punished have surfaced following Brittany’s rise to power. Brittany was elected in a landslide victory with surprisingly zero opposition.
A common punishment for defectors is a process known as “body shaming.” This horrifying and cruel punishment is done by placing defectors in “the chamber of plus size”. This fabled chamber includes garments that were deemed too large to be put on shelves. Employees are stripped of their clothes and forced to wear plus size garments until they pledge their allegiance to Buys-A-Lot.
Buzzsaw reached out to Abercrombie and Fitch for a comment on why plus size garments were seemingly non-existent on their shelves. They declined to comment.
Although disturbing, body shaming is not the cruelest form of punishment that can be inflicted upon employees.
Buzzsaw reached out to Tanner-Spraytan who was one of Brittany’s former cult members and employee that was banished for wearing socks and sandals.
“They like almost ripped my designer jeans,” Tanner Spraytan said, a former employee from Abercrombie and Fitch that was attacked by a crazed customer.
At the time of the interview, Tanner Spraytan was donning cargo pants and a lightly used Blink-182 tank top from the discount store as a symbol of the mortal sin he committed in the presence of his leader. To attempt to win back the favor of his former leader, Spraytan tattooed the words “Abercrombie and Fitch” on his chest.
Events like these aren’t exclusive to the Abercrombie and Fitch stores. As consumers’ insatiable lust to conform to societal norms and purchase new items rises, religious crusades of high-fashion brands only increase in their influence.
Although hope for high fashion seems bleak, this hasn’t stopped citizens across the country from coming up with solutions to the problem.
“Just consume less.” Bob Mc-Knows-A-Lot said, a social psychologist who has been working against the ravenous cult-members since the first incident of cult-like activity at a local H&M. Mc-Knows-A-Lot said that he believes the recent takeovers are a result of “The Rapture”: the inevitable destruction of the human race by God’s hand.
As numerous reports of violent uprisings in malls and outlet stores continue to pop up across the country, the future of consumerism in America continues to flourish.
Christian Maitre is a second year Journalism Major who wears better-looking cult merch than you do. You can reach them at firstname.lastname@example.org.