Listen, I’m not here to blame the mothers. Switching to two-legged birth did nothing to make it easier on them. But genuinely, have you ever considered how much easier it would have been if we had popped out of the womb post-puberty? Already hairy, sentient, smelly, and ready to go? It would’ve saved me a lot of therapy, and probably you too.
Whether you’re the sort of schmuck who likes to blame god or evolution, it doesn’t matter. We were still born stupid and crying and we still have to live with the consequences.
We wouldn’t have even needed to be born ready to enter ninth grade, just eighth. By the time we could actually form coherent memories, we’d be 14 years old. We’d be closer to being able to vote. We’d be closer to being recognized as autonomous humans with rights of our own. Horribly long gestation period for mothers, but consider: we could exclusively produce offspring via test tube.
We’d miss childhood, which for all you Peter-Panners might be a rough trip. Still, fuck childhood. If we get rid of that period in our lives where we contributed nothing to media literacy, we might actually rebel against the capitalist system faster and more efficiently, replacing the US with a landmass of freshly post-adolescent tube-babies ready to rebuild.
Send me the name of a scientist willing to fuck up humanity and I’ll see that you get your own personal Walmart to raid in our country’s looming period of apocalyptic government collapse.
Your Editor in Advocating for Government Takedown,
Isabel Murray