Tensions rise between the Sons of Liberty and the Redcoat Gang
Okay, you’re used to jaw dropping news on Boston business mogul Sam Adams, but did he and the Sons of Liberty cross a line Friday night?
Buzzsaw has gained exclusive reports that Adams (who’s still battling some pesky smuggling allegations) and his circle snuck on board a ship docked in the harbor and threw ALL the cargo overboard. What’d they want to destroy so badly? Tea. Yeah, really.
Exact numbers are a little sketchy (it’s quite possible alcohol might have been involved), but we can confirm that at least a hundred men boarded the Dartmouth and threw 45 TONS of tea into Boston Harbor…that’s over $1 million worth of a drink that’s supposed to calm your nerves! Cringey costumes were also involved. Several men were spotted with their faces painted like Native Americans…big yikes.
It’s certainly not the first time these guys have been, how should we say this, problematic. As usual, Adams couldn’t be reached for comment, but sources around the city claim he and the Sons have had major beef with the King of England for almost ten years. The guy loves his personal freedoms, and has written long, rambling statements on why the American Colonies deserve better than a mentally unstable king who amps up taxes without consulting his subjects.
But he’s mostly known around the city for his personal vendetta against the King’s soldiers, the Red Coats. After the Crown deployed British soldiers to enforce the raised taxes on paper products, sugar, and tea, Boston citizens were not pleased. The nail in the coffin was the hyperbolically named “Boston Massacre,” when Red Coats opened fire on a crowd of rowdy protesters, killing five people. Since then, Sam Adams and his gang have not held back. The Sons have tarred and feathered Red Coats in the streets and burned their homes in fits of rage. And those offenses are tame compared to the looting the mansion of Massachusetts Lieutenant Governor Thomas Hutchison, and the beheading of a crude dummy of public official Andrew Oliver. It’s not just boycotts and picket lines anymore, kids. Clearly these men will stop at nothing to be heard. And what’s even more shocking, Buzzsaw is unable to obtain any proof that the gang was punished for their crimes!
Some call them heroes, others call them mad men. It’s hard to say what’s next for the Sons of Liberty after last night’s crimes. As per usual, no arrests have been confirmed, but it’s safe to say that the Crown won’t be dealing with these rebels much longer. Eyewitnesses tell us that yells of “No Taxation Without Representation” could be heard from the angry mob. Pretty clever for a group of domestic terrorists, but kind of hard to fit on a commemorative t-shirt, don’t you think?
Rachael Powles is a first-year theater studies and culture and communication major who’s always checking the history books for the hottest gossip. Reach them at firstname.lastname@example.org.