“People spill me and don’t even cry. No one understands my pain”
Lactose-intolerance must cease. My whole life, people have disregarded my pain. “Pain is relative,” they say. “No use crying over spilled milk,” they say. Do you have any idea how damaging that is to a glass of milk like me? Do you? It makes my blood curdle.
That last phrase was coined long ago, but I’m sure your history professors have skimmed over the truth, so here it is. In the early 16th century, a man carting a large quantity of an early version of soymilk called Ye Olde Silk™ hit a large bump in the uneven land, spilling the cart’s contents all over the dirt road. A passing driver, seeing the young man’s misfortune, offered him some passing advice. “No use crying over spilled Silk,” he said. Unfortunately this man’s journals were later mistranslated. This has lead to years of injustice.
The ice caps are melting, the ocean level is rising, and we care about all that spilled water. But let me ask you this: do you have any idea how many gallons of milk and cream are spilled and splattered senselessly on a daily basis by you ungrateful pricks? This has gone on for too long.
Raising the price of milk caused an uproar. Consumers were shocked the world over. Pay more? For milk? They couldn’t even begin to fathom it. Well maybe if they didn’t waste it, maybe if they spent a minute to mourn it when they spilled it all over the kitchen floor, we wouldn’t be having this problem. I am not an unlimited resource.
Isn’t it enough already that my self-worth has been reduced to a shelf-life and percentage of purity? I am more than my expiration date— I am cheese and yogurt and cream and my life will be long and uncondensed. I am not 2%, I am whole. And another thing: if I’m such a useless commodity, why not just switch over to soy milk completely? Oh, yeah, because it sucks.
Milk is good for your skin, it cures hiccups, it helps you sleep, it washes sticky peanut butter off the roof of your mouth, it quells the pain from spicy food, it contains oodles of calcium. I don’t see water doing any of that shit.
It is imperative that you stop ignoring the waste in value that is spilled milk. Wake up sheeple! This is dairy erasure!
I scream, you scream, we all scream for lactose rights. Meet me in the fridge for more information about how to churn out more support.
Isabel Murray is a third-year writing major who tries to keep milk in the most comfortable spot in the fridge. Reach them at email@example.com.