He’s like Wolfgang, except worse
“Chad is so hot,” Melissa whispered to her roommate Diane on a late Thursday night. She tipped the back of her pencil into her head and scratched.
Diane looked over at her from her bunk on the other side of the dorm. “Mel, you don’t even know him that well. He seems like such a dipshit. He’s always screaming at people on Twitter to listen to his new Soundcloud singles. Like what is that about? And everything he does is just for the clout. Did you see his Filas? Anybody who wears those things is begging for help. He looks like a gym teacher from the Great Depression.”
“There’s just something about his full bottomed periwig that makes my colonial side get all hot and bothered.”
“You’re disgusting. What even is a periwig?” Diane made a barfing noise and left the room with her headphones.
The next morning Melissa went up to Chad in their Music Theory Since the 1800s class and asked for a pen. “Hey! So I guess we have a quiz today. Bogus right? Haha. Yeah.” She tried to make eye contact with him. “I totally blanked on bringing a pen—I was just wondering if you had a pen, Chad.”
He softened his wig with a finger and blew the vapor from his Juul into her face. “Were you talking to me?”
“I need a pen, if you have an extra. For the quiz. I just explained this to you.”
“Woah—bitch we have a quiz today?”
“Did you just call me a bitch?”
“I’m gonna fail AF!! I don’t know anything about concertos or whatever!”
“I’m not a bitch, okay? I just wanted a pen. And the quiz is on tonic and dominant chords. Were you even here the last five classes?”
“I can’t believe this is happening to me.”
“I can’t believe you called me a bitch. Do you even know what class you’re in?” she snickered. “Idiot.”
A week passed and Melissa got over Chad; she could survive without his full-bottomed periwig and his Cool Mint Juul Pods™. Who needs Chad? Not her. On Melissa’s walk back to her dorm, Diane caught sight of her and ran over, calling out her name, “Mel! Have you talked to ~Chad~ recently, huh? Huh?”
Melissa didn’t look over at Diane; she didn’t react at all except for the pressure of her tongue between her teeth to stop herself from yelling. “Don’t know. Don’t care.”
“Whoa, I thought you were totally into him.”
“OVER IT, DIANE!”
Diane stepped back.
“I can’t believe I almost fell in love with a Mozart! I mean, as if! He wasn’t even a musician like Wolfgang Amadeus. Even Wolf was a douchebag! Everyone knows their sister Maria was the true music genius in the family. Wolf wasn’t even that great at all! He was just cute, like his dumb brother Chad. Could Wolf even play his own sonata, “Eine Kleine Nachtmusik”? Fucking doubt it. He’s a loser like Chad. Fuck the Mozarts. I mean I bet Maria is cool. But screw those bros.” Screw those bros, Melissa. Chad sucks.
Brianna Pulver is a fourth-year writing major whose favorite Chad Mozart single is “Requiem for a Keg Stand.” You can reach them at email@example.com.