Still better than the ICC
A scientific report published last year revealed that Generation Z is the laziest generation that has existed in the entire history of the world, the universe, and everything. According to the report, refusing to engage in mortal combat every Black Friday and purchasing gifts online has had a significant impact on the muscular strength of those in Gen Z. Since the report came out, schools and organizations have been brainstorming ways to combat what has now be called “the noodle arm epidemic.”
As the population of Gen Z students increases with new students coming in each year, Ithaca College has begun brainstorming its own methods to eliminate weakness among the younger generations. Last spring, administration introduced a new academic theme focused on physical and psychological strength called “Muscling Into the Future.”
“Kids just aren’t as strong as they used to be,” said administrator Bronny Armstrong. “I blame it on all the participation trophies.”
The Muscling Into the Future theme doesn’t have any classes and only requires students to study abroad in Hell.
“There’s no better workout than trudging through the nine circles of Hell,” Armstrong said. “It’s like one of those get fit camps for fat kids but with fewer salads and more screaming.”
As it turns out, Dante’s Inferno was completely accurate in its description of Hell. Hell is actually contrived of nine circles starting with Limbo, descending through the seven deadly sins all the way down to the frozen lake of the ninth circle where the souls of traitors are eternally encased in ice. The students who visited Hell last spring spent one week in each of Hell’s nine circles, hiking through flaming deserts, listening to the screams of the damned while floating down the River Styx, and facing monsters like Cerberus.
“My favorite part was the river Styx,” said student Sandra Pickins. “I was on the rowing team in high school, and I’d never been on a river of souls before. The cries of pain remind me of songs from my favorite heavy metal bands. Ten out of ten.”
So far, every student who has visited Hell has enjoyed their trip. According to most of the students, Hell is a pretty chill place. The drinking age is eighteen, it doesn’t snow or get below a toasty 120 degrees even on the frozen lake, and the lava pits exfoliate the skin better than any lotion in the mortal world.
“I actually got to meet Satan himself,” said student Marcus Ludwood. “He’s a cool dude for a goat-furry. We discussed social issues over a few beers one night while I was there. I used to be exploratory, but talking to Satan made me realize that I have a real passion for social justice. The guy changed my outlook on life.”
Despite how much students on the Hell trip may have enjoyed themselves, a rift has formed on the Ithaca campus since they returned. Ever since the Muscling Into the Future students have come back on campus, they have been endlessly complaining about how everything was better in Hell, and it is annoying the crap out of other students and faculty.
“I used to enjoy going to concerts with Sandra every weekend,” said Lily Winston, student and friend of Pickins. “Now whenever we go, she just whines about how the music couldn’t compare to the screams of the dead in Hell.”
Last weeks, students from the program established the Ithaca is Hell Club in attempt to teach interested students about Hell and its culture and propose ways to make the Ithaca campus more like Hell. Some of the propositions put forward by the club included replacing the water in the fountain with lava, summoning real-life ghosts to live in the natural lands, and inviting Satan to speak at the baccalaureate. The club, however, was short lived due to the Ithaca administration shutting it down after only three days.
“We just can’t take it anymore,” said Armstrong. “Everywhere I look it’s Hell this and Hell that. It’s like they didn’t suffer at all. If anything, they came back worse than they left. Do they even recognize how much a lava fountain would cost the school? Did they even research how much ghost-summoning mediums charge? Although, I guess we could arrange for Satan to speak at the baccalaureate.”
Armstrong is displeased with how the trip to Hell panned out, but she is determined to keep the Muscling Into the Future theme around. Instead of visiting Hell next semester, students in the theme will be trapped in a dark, unsolvable maze for a semester with a pack of starving wolves and a hundred venomous snakes.
“I’d like to see them try to enjoy themselves while they’re slowly dying of poison with wolves ripping off their limbs,” Armstrong said. “I should have known Hell would have been soft on them with all the damn liberals they’ve been shoving down there in the past century.”
Maddy Martins is a first-year writing major who is currently looking for an E-Portfolio artifact from their semester in Hell. You can reach them at email@example.com.