Turns out the monster’s name actually is Frankenstein
The phrase, “Actually, Frankenstein was the name of the doctor, not the monster,” has been proudly uttered by bibliophiles everywhere, as well as that one kid in your fifth-grade class who dressed up as both Jekyll and Hyde for Halloween. Since Frankenstein was published in 1818, this simple fact has allowed those with even the most basic knowledge of classic literature to have the opportunity to receive a mere half-second of satisfaction. However, due to a recent discovery made by a teen in a Portland thrift shop, all need for this phrase has seemingly died.
“I, like, don’t even normally look in the book section,” the Portland teen, Caroline Morris, tells us. “Normally, I just come here to buy $2 t-shirts to resell on Instagram for $40 each, but I needed a new notebook to write my slam poetry in. Wanna hear some of it?” To this offer, we respectfully declined.
However, what she found in the notebook was already finger-snapping. Upon discovery, Morris took the notebook to her English teacher, who immediately resigned upon what was inside. After careful dissection by a team of 19th-century horror literature experts, it was confirmed that this notebook was, in fact, that of Mary Shelley. Within the tattered pages, many of Shelley’s personal thoughts were revealed, such as her two-hundred-year-old preemptive predictions that “the dress was black and blue” and “it’s Yanny, not Laurel.” But of these revelations, perhaps the most shocking was a simple character outline of the monster at the center of her claim-to-fame novel Frankenstein. Within the character outline, it is revealed that the monster’s full name is actually Frankenstein Shelley Zipperneck, thus making the name of the monster Frankenstein.
“I’m not sure what to make of this monstrosity,” Sheldon Merriweather, a former (as of recently) Columbia British Literature professor, says of the heartbreaking news. “I feel like I’ve lost an integral part of my personality.”
Merriweather is not the only scholar up in arms over this. We interviewed hundreds of academics before ultimately not including any of their quotes, mostly due to the fact that interviewing so many bland old men named John and David with the same opinion got too difficult to keep track of after a while.
This week, many of these academics have been organizing marches in 37 different states to protest the death of basic intellect. Many of these academics created signs and chanted, “Not my monster! Not my monster!” all while wearing platform shoes.
“Personally, I am delighted by this news,” says Lillian Knottley in the card aisle of a local Dollar Tree. “My son won’t yell at me for sending my grandkids historically incorrect Halloween cards anymore.” She holds up the card for us. It reads, “What did Frankenstein eat for lunch? Nuts and Bolts!”
Personally, based on our experience in the card aisle of Dollar Tree, we think the real monster here is the direction comedy has gone in 2018.
Sarah Diggins is a second year writing major who is plotting to destroy Mary Shelley’s notes and erase the monster’s real name from history. You can reach them at [email protected].