Calls press to record him heroically picking up said trash
On October 12th, a cellphone was shattered along the edge of the 405 in Bel Air California, across from the Westridge-Cayonback Wilderness Park. The cellphone allegedly belongs to an unknown personal assistant to Elon Musk. The following is thought to be an authentic conversation with Elon Musk. It was found in the voice memo app on his phone. Musk has 48 personal assistants, and there is an ongoing investigation to find out whose phone it is. For clarity, Elon Musk does not use the personal assistant’s name. He simply refers to them all as Pa (maybe PA as in personal assistant, or Pa as in Papa because he has severe daddy issues and needs constant validation from a father figure.)
Musk: Hey Pa, what should an average billionaire in the middle of a scandal do to get positive press again? So what if I said I’d take my company private and then didn’t? I think stepping down as chairman for three years and paying a $20 million dollar fine is a bit over the top. But the money doesn’t really bother me. I’m way too rich for that to matter all that much. Ok, so I don’t have as much money as Jeff Bezos, but what I lack in money, I make up for in my presence on Twitter. So what if tweeting that I was considering taking Tesla private got me in trouble to begin with? That’s what my followers want! They want newsworthy content, and I’m giving it to them.
PA: I think—
Musk: I need the media on my side again. I need to do something big to gain their trust and be likeable to human beings. Lately my actions have had consequences, and as a rich white male, I’m not used to being held accountable.
PA: What if—
Musk: Wait, I’ve got it! A few years ago I accidentally dropped a $100 bill on the ground. I didn’t bother picking it up, ya know since I get paid more per second than it would be worth to pick it up. But the public loved me. They called me a hero since a homeless heathen picked it up and bought themselves higher quality shoes than the Kmart shit he had on. I assumed someone would find it and buy a bunch of bananas with it, but it turns out you could buy multiple bunches of bananas with $100! Who knew? Anyways, the media labeled me a “Saint” who “deliberately helps the less fortunate.” And I was not about to correct the Times and say, “Hey, I didn’t actually do that on purpose.”
PA: That was actu—
Musk: But what’s better than donating to poor unfortunate souls? Mother Nature always needs my help. After all that’s why I make Tesla cars, because they’re better for the environment than anyone else’s. I am what God intended when he made Adam. My cars are the wave of the future. I am single-handedly making the Earth more sustainable and stopping natural disasters from happening.
But I don’t need to make another car to help Mother Nature. Actually, hold on, who can I contact about changing the term “Mother Nature” to “Musk Nature,” or wait— do you like “Elon Nature” better? Write that down, I’ll come back to it. That’s priority numero dos. But priority numero uno is the press thing.
PA: Yes, sir.
Musk: So I’m thinking, what if I take some trash, maybe a wadded up napkin or something, and throw it on the ground. But then before I pick it back up, you call a press conference to get some good footage of me being a relatable environmentalist. I’ll take a few questions, then bada bing bada boom, the press loves me again. I can see the headlines now: “Musk Ends Littering”.
*11:28 am, October 1, the PA alerted the press. We can only assume that as Musk waited he practiced how he will pick up the trash*
PA: I sent out an alert. But sir, did you feel that?
Musk: *snapping sound* Pay attention to me Pa. Should I grab it in a closed fist? What if you can’t see the napkin in my hand? In the photos, it needs to be obvious that I’m doing a good thing here. Okay, so no closed fist. Should I delicately pinch it with my pointer finger and thumb? I don’t want to come across too snobbish, as if I can’t bear to touch a piece of trash. I want to look as impressive and humble as possible here, which is hard line to toe. Okay, okay. I think I figured it out: I’ll pick it up with my thumb and middle finger. That’ll make me look common enough.
But what should I do after I pick it up? Should I pocket it? ….. No, that will look like I’m trying to keep the piece of trash, and that’s not the vibe I’m going for. Hmmm, what if I just toss it into the nearest trash can? But then that would require being close to a trashcan in the first place, and that would mean having a trashcan in the background of the pictures, and I wouldn’t want to detract from me in the foreground. So no… first, I need to hold it triumphantly in the air! Ya, I’ll pick up the napkin, hoist it in the air like this, hold it there for a few seconds so that every news outlet gets me from my best angles. What’s taking them so long?
PA: Sir! Apparently that shaking was a 9.7 magnitude Earthquake in San Diego! The press is heading there, along with all emergency personnel.
Musk: What??? That’s the bullshit fake news for you, won’t even cover the important stuff. You fucked up big time Pa.
-END VOICE MEMO-
If you have any information about the identity of the PA you can contact Buzzsaw via email or match by matching with Buzzsaw on Tinder.
Tessa More is a fourth year journalism major who is a proud owner of one of Elon Musk’s stupid flamethrowers. You can reach them at firstname.lastname@example.org.