As a wise MOC editor once said, “I know we have to chew. But at what cost?” Teeth are weird and gross and probably shouldn’t exist. Let’s unpack what exactly teeth are. They’re literally a part of your skeleton that needs to poke through the inside of your mouth to even function. It’s an unspoken fact of life that underneath everyone’s skin is a spooky skeleton hiding within. That being said, I’d rather not be constantly reminded of my own mortality whenever someone smiles at me.
Moving on, not only do teeth exist. At some point during childhood, they fall out. I’m sorry, but what? Right as someone is getting settled into elementary school, casually keeping up with the drama of first grade, their teeth are like, “Nope! We’re actually not gonna do this anymore.” Losing their teeth is apparently so traumatic for kids that parents invented the Tooth Fairy, an eldritch being that collects lost teeth in exchange for money, to help children cope with their own decaying mouths and the impermanence of all things. After this existential crisis, new teeth start to grow in. But this time, they’re bigger. Maybe the body should’ve just gotten teeth right the first time and not have to play trial and error. Teeth are already an abomination just by being visible; they should at least be consistent.
I’d like to propose some alternatives to having teeth. First, humans should probably just get their energy through photosynthesis. That would eliminate the need for teeth and probably mouths as a whole. If we must have mouths, maybe we can just have maximum overdrive digestive systems to break down food more thoroughly. Last, and this might be a stretch, maybe we could just ascend to a higher plane of existence where food and energy are irrelevant.
Your editor in improving humanity,
Will Cohan