It consists of nineteen molecules and is completely worthless
The world rejoiced this weekend as the Institute for Molecular Engineering announced a breakthrough in one of its ] labs. Through careful research and countless hours of work, the team has assembled the world’s first “micro cupcake.” The scientists involved described the creation as being “composed of exactly nineteen sucrose molecules and absolutely fucking worthless.” Buzzsaw decided to investigate to find out exactly what this means for the future of cupcakes.
The director, Frederick Smithward, explained to us, “Honestly, who even cares? It’s a cupcake. Not even a cupcake. It’s just some sugar molecules put together to look like a cupcake. You can’t even really eat it.” With enthusiasm like this, it’s hard not to get excited about the new confection.
When we asked to see the micro cupcake, the lab was happy to let us take a look. The cupcake, which can only be seen under an extremely powerful microscope, is a two-dimensional shape. It consists of three rows of four sugar molecules stacked under one row of five molecules under a row of two, taking the basic shape of a cupcake. Marissa Simmons, designer of the shape, commented, “Yeah, I guess it kinda looks like a cupcake. I don’t know; I’m not an artist.”
Bakers around the world are excited to begin selling micro cupcakes in their shops. Adam Flourman, a bakery owner, stated, “I really can’t wait. This is the cupcake I never knew I needed in my life. I don’t even care if it’s microscopic and I can’t see it. I just feel better knowing a micro cupcake exists in the world. The fact helps me sleep at night.”
On the subject of the future of cupcake research, the lab discussed some possibilities. Simmons suggested, “Well, we can make the cupcake a little bigger and add some more details. But that probably defeats the purpose of it being a micro cupcake.”
The lab also explained its inspiration for attempting this ambitious project. Smithward explained, “Well, most science is a really slow and boring process. Unless the results are really exciting, it’s hard to get people interested. And people really like cupcakes, so that’s what we did.” Based on the overwhelming public response, it looks like this lab made the right choice. People do love cupcakes, after all.
Smithward also seemed more than willing to share the culinary secret with the rest of the baking community, saying, “Sure, let ‘em have it. It’s not really a secret. I don’t give a shit.” Everyone is anticipating the next development in cupcake science. Smithward responded, “Sure. I mean, we could be putting money into cancer research. But whatever, more cupcakes. Fine.”
Will Cohan is a third-year cinema and photography major who loves eating food that can’t be seen or tasted. You can reach them at firstname.lastname@example.org.