Police and teachers speak out against misuse of baked goods
Another day, another two hundred students drop out of school due to the muffin epidemic. Teachers from all over the country report their students come face-to-face with these frostingless cupcakes and lose. In Michigan, lawmakers have proposed a bill to ban muffins from schools, but with little success.
“The problem is students find ways to smuggle them in, or are able to find them outside the school yard,” Michigan State Senator Don Fez said.
Fez pointed out that muffins were turning into the new pot brownies, giving students the ability to smuggle in pot and heroin without the consequences of being caught selling drugs.
Parents at Michigan schools have pointed out that their children had started asking to use the kitchen, something unbeknown of teenagers. Their children bake dozens and dozens of muffins, laced with enough drugs to take down an entire city.
“We must take back our kitchens and stop these children before they are forced to go through a painful withdrawal,” a parent, Sandra Mason, said.
Principal Dan Ventro commented that students were selling muffins to their peers at alarming rates, causing the drug riddled food to course through the veins of the school itself.
“There must be a way to stop this epidemic,” Ventro said.
Students appear to be using the muffins as defensive weapons against one another. Police chief Ransa Pablo assures citizens that those using muffins as weapons “will be charged to the fullest for their actions.” Pablo said no one has died from the weaponry, but she is sure any deaths will be treated as suspicious.
Proponents of muffins in schools strike back just as hard. Colin Miller, a ninth grade English teacher at Point Park High School in Lansing, Michigan, argues this muffin epidemic is just another way for students to express themselves.
“Think of the muffins as another version of the cinnamon or tide pod challenges, and not so much as a debate about what is right or wrong,” Miller said. “Students do what they want to do and at the end of the day, our only responsibility is to make sure they can express themselves in a way true to who they are.”
School superintendent Miles Rodgers pointed out his worries in a recent State Of Our Schools speech. He pointed out that because muffins are just ugly cupcakes. According to Rodgers, the existence of muffins teaches the students to accept inadequacy and become underachievers. Recent standardized test scores seem to confirm this suspicion. Math scores have dropped by nearly fifty percent since this epidemic began. English scores have reached a record low – coming in at nearly eighty percent less than only two years ago.
Students seem to be questioning the legitimacy of the claims by their elders, but the evidence against them is astronomical.
Christine McKinnie is a third-year emerging media major who tries to steer clear of the muffin crowd. You can reach them at firstname.lastname@example.org.