Tearfully resigns from office
One week ago, Mississippi Senator Patrick Bakerson was caught by his secretary passionately eating devil’s food cake in his office. This revelation came as a shock to his supporters and the nation as a whole and has since been seen as a scandal for the senator and his staff.
In the past, Sen. Bakerson has focused his role as senator on promoting traditional Christian values. He has given numerous passionate speeches condemning homosexuality and the teaching of evolution in public schools. However, what he is most known for is his hatred of devil’s food cake.
One year ago, Sen. Bakerson was quoted saying, “The prevalence of devil’s food cake in America is a crime against God and what this country stands for. I will not stand by and watch as this wonderful nation is corrupted by the Devil’s chocolaty temptation. This disgusting cake has no business in a Christian country and all bakeries selling it should be shut down.”
Abigail Jones, Sen. Bakerson’s secretary, described the incident to us. She explained, “I opened the door to his office and saw him there. He was just shoveling whole pieces of the devil’s cake into his mouth. It was horrifying. I can’t believe it. I always thought he was a decent man. I never knew he could sink so low.”
This afternoon, Sen. Bakerson gave a speech publicly apologizing for his actions. He stated, “I’m truly sorry for my actions. I’ve tried to be a model citizen for this country but I’ve failed you. I’ve given into the temptation of Satan.” Sen. Bakerson began to cry before continuing, “I’ve secretly been a lover of devil’s food cake my entire life.” He then apologized again to American citizens, Christian bakers around the country, and angel food cake.
Sen. Bakerson ended his speech by resigning from office saying, “I can no longer perform my duties in good conscience. I need to spend time to heal myself and rebuild my relationship with angel food cake. I ask that you all pray for me in this difficult time.” Many of Sen. Bakerson’s supporters have turned against him, saying he betrayed the country; while others are hoping he finds help. Many supporters simply don’t believe the scandal and say the whole thing is a liberal conspiracy.
Not everyone was surprised by Sen. Bakerson’s secret love of devil’s food cake. Chris Thompson, one of Sen. Bakerson’s interns, stated, “I always kind of suspected that he liked devil’s food cake. He was always so angry about it, like he had an obsession. I mean, it’s just cake. I don’t know why he would care so much if he didn’t secretly love it.”
Many devil’s food enthusiasts around the nation were quoted saying, “I knew it.”
Will Cohan is a third-year cinema and photography major who refuses to vote for anyone that likes carrot cake. You can reach them at firstname.lastname@example.org.