Lifestyle tips for people with no interest in being healthy
We’ll start with the diet…
-Don’t spend more than three dollars on any one meal. A cheese roll-up at Taco Bell is only one dollar. Save your money for more important things. Not to mention your skin is likely lacking in essential oils like grease, which a cheese roll-up is covered in. Rub the grease all over your face. That’s two tips in one.
-Eat Twix bars in the shower. A lot of people say that Twix bars are poisonous, which is true. However, if eaten in the shower, the carcinogens contained in the chocolate exterior of the Twix bar will be washed away, thus revealing the butter cookie inside. This interior part of the substance is fortified with vitamins and minerals. For this tip, ensure pH levels of shower water are below a seven, indicating acidity.
-No more avocados, or anything else that’s kelly green. I cannot stress this tip enough.
-Consider eating your pets instead of euthanasia. When that special time comes to rid your life of your pet due to illness or old age, just eat it, dummy! Remember what I said about spending three dollars or less per meal? This way is even cheaper— if you eat your pet, it’s free. It’s actually sort of double-free, or “for profit” as they say, since your pet has already paid you in the form of companionship.
-The gym is less about what you do, and more about what you wear while you’re there. Trash bags are the most conducive attire for water-based weight loss. Use all the money you saved from eating your dog to purchase these trash bags.
-Only go on downhill runs. Although running uphill is more challenging, running downhill really fast can help you to break your ankle, which can help you get a cast, which will result in people signing it.
-Crawl everywhere instead of walking. This will turn your kneecaps into stone and tone your entire body.
-Sit down and take a load off. That’s it for this one.
-Use class/work as a time to shower and get drunk so you can be ready for fun when you leave. Now, I know some of you might be thinking, “I don’t have a shower where I work,” or, “I don’t have a shower at class,” or, “I don’t wanna drink at work, I’m an uber driver.” If you have a sink nearby and a lawyer on retainer, everything should be fine.
-Use more tobacco products. As long as you follow the previously stated tips it is clinically impossible for you to be negatively impacted in any fashion from tobacco use.
-Abraham Maslow always told us that a sense of belonging serves an important function in one’s life. Not only is this belief not true, it’s downright backwards. Humans actually function better in an environment that produces visceral terror. I’d recommend living in a boarding house with violent offenders far away from any friends or family, or people that speak the same language as you. Maybe there you’ll finally be able to relax.
Jake Cavicchi is a third-year writing for film, TV and emerging media major who likes to relax after a long day of doing nothing. You can reach them at firstname.lastname@example.org.