We got our hands on the new Tax plan and you won’t believe what’s inside.
As most people have heard by now, the Senate Republicans rammed through an extremely unpopular Tax Reform bill in the middle of the night between December first and second. It’s still unclear to even several senators what is in it, but Buzzsaw has gotten its hands on the legislation and is here to point out some crazy things in this horrendous bill.
For starters, they’re giving a tax break to horses. This is an insane abuse of power. Lowering taxes for horses would cause an astronomical tax hike for rabbits, bears, and zebras that would devastate the middle class of the animal kingdom. What this means for you is a mass death of many animals. This is an incredibly dangerous move by an already unpopular senate and will bring much scrutiny upon them as they approach the 2018 midterms.
Another terrible thing in this bill is an amendment forcing people who wear Adidas sneakers to pay more taxes. It’s a striking piece of legislation that will raise taxes for a large portion of citizens unless they decide to switch to Nike or New Balance sneakers, among other options. Some say this tax will help small sneaker companies compete, but it’s pretty clear that Nike used its vast sums of money to lobby Republicans to include another repugnant detail that puts more money in the pockets of a huge corporation while screwing over the little guys who wear Adidas sneakers.
And if you think that’s bad, get this: under the new tax plan, the Gangnam Style music video will be taxed. So if you ever want to revisit the great sensation of 2012 that has a whopping 3 billion views on Youtube, you’ll have to fork up some extra cash. It’s pretty devastating to lovers of memes and K-Pop. Some suggest it’s a misguided addition that was pitched by ignorant republicans who are unsure of the difference between North and South Korea to curb Kim Jong Un. It’s unfortunate, but that’s where we are in 2017.
However, the most jarring thing about the new tax bill is that it actually raises taxes on people named Bill. This is seen as another attack on the Clinton family, but is also a threat to everyone who goes by Bill. This means that all Bills will have to pay extra in taxes, revert their name back to William or opt for the more childlike nickname, Billy.
It’s certainly an odd piece of legislation and an unprecedented attack on American citizens. It’s still unclear how badly this will affect our economy but, if you ask me, it will be terrible. The 2018 midterms are going to be wild and a great opportunity to pounce on the sloppy and unjust tax plan proposed by the GOP this year. It remains to be seen how this will affect the rest of the President’s and other Republican’s agendas as the first year of this administration comes to an end but, so far, it doesn’t seem good.
Jordan Aaron is a fourth-year student studying Writing for Film, TV & Emerging Media and they are facing imprisonment for tax evasion. Reach them at firstname.lastname@example.org.