Besides in their graves
Some celebrities, you don’t hear from them for a few months, or a few years, and your brain forgets that they ever existed. Sometimes your brain reminds you each day, “Hey remember that kid from Even Stevens? Is he still alive? Has he done anything to stay relevant?” After all, in Hollywood, if you aren’t relevant you don’t exist.
Albert Einstein rose to fame for his brilliance in theorizing about relativity and influence on philosophy. But if a Jeopardy question were to ask, “Einstein was most well known for which equation?”, you would answer, “What is E = mc^2.” So where is he now? Most recently, he appeared in the episode of Rick and Morty A Rickle in Time, when a time traveling space agent went through time to kick Rick’s ass and mistakenly beat up Einstein instead, which then inspired good ol’ Al to understand time, after being told “not to mess with time.”
Do you like green eggs and ham? Dr. Seuss has flown under the radar for too long after dropping the book Oh, the Places You’ll Go! In 1990, Seuss disappeared and never published a follow up book to depict the places he went. Then suddenly, in 2015, he dropped a new book on us, What Pet Should I Get? But who gives a shit? I don’t care what kind of pet you get, Doctor, I just want to know what the hell you’ve been doing with your life for the past 25 years. Fear not, I know now. Dr. Seuss actually died in 1991 (shocking I know, take a deep breath and stay calm), and since then he’s been atoning for his sinful books, that taught children that rhyming was more important than a substantial lesson. I know I will never recover from the trauma induced by the live-action adaptation of The Cat in the Hat, and Seuss is directly to blame even if he didn’t work on the film. Seuss narrowly escaped eternity in a hell-like place (note: it’s not actually Hell, but an out-the-door line to get into a violent Walmart on Black Friday when all you need is a new toaster because your Great-Aunt broke it on Thanksgiving when she tried to reheat the turkey by sticking it in your toaster). But Dr. Seuss isn’t there, instead he’s in a place where he can do whatever he wants while the audio of his books play on a never ending loop narrated by Danny Devito as he eats pickles and tortilla chips.
Who else haven’t we heard from in a while? Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher lucked out, dying within one day of each other meant they got to choose where they spent eternity together. It turns out they both chose Naboo, the most peaceful planet from the Stars Wars Universe. Complete with rolling hills and tranquil waterfalls, they could live on the version of Naboo that had never been invaded by the Trade Federation or during the Clone Wars. This planet doesn’t exist in our universe, but the un-invaded version does exist 17 universes to the right, 523 universes down and blue universes deep. Eternity offers limitless possibilities, and the mother-daughter duo exists there now basking in the sun cracking each other up every day.
Some say there isn’t an afterlife or a higher power and, for them, they’re right. Their own consciousness dictates what happens to them after they die, and no afterlife is created for them. Instead they suffer in eternal darkness, barely a wisp of consciousness, but enough to know they are something in the endless pitch black. Douglas Adams, author of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, created brilliantly complex other worlds that he could’ve had the opportunity to explore in the afterlife. Unfortunately, Adams was a professed atheist who didn’t believe in life after death. Just because you don’t believe in a singular higher power, doesn’t mean that there isn’t something more powerful than yourself elsewhere that can create eternity. Adams is floating in unbearable mental agony, knowing of his own existence but unable to do a single thing.
Steve Irwin gave his life to understand animals by being a conservationist and zookeeper. Tragically dying by getting pierced in the chest by a stingray, he now swims peacefully with his aquatic brethren. He also gained the ability to communicate directly with all other beings, transcending the impediment of speech, and gaining telepathy. In addition, he can breath underwater and traverse the furthest depths of the oceans, where he has found portals to other afterlives. Since 2006, he has visited many people’s eternities including: Prince (who lives in a purple psychedelic paradise), Frida Kahlo (Irwin visits her frequently because she resides in a jungle living animals running free).
Tessa More is a third-year journalism major who still thinks Steve Irwin is gone to soon. Reach them at firstname.lastname@example.org.