Because, let’s face it, you know better than everyone.
- Not Your Uncle’s Pale Stout
Every member of your family drinks Bud Light, or Miller High Life, or, if you’re from the Midwest, Pabst Blue Ribbon! You’re a pretentious twenty-something, so why should you be included in that? Try this beer! When you go to family gatherings, be sure to impress your fourteen year old cousin by picking one up. With hints of familial resentment and a whiff of insecurity about being the only one of your cousins without a job or a girlfriend, you’ll be sure to at least have this one! For the full drinking experience, be sure to make comments about the undertones of the beer and how hoppy it is. You’ll be the coolest one at every reunion. Maybe.
- I Love You, Honeybeer
You know that guy you know who’s, like, REALLY into Father John Misty? The one who smokes weed “therapeutically” and hangs out at house shows with college girls who are clearly uncomfortable with listening to him talk about his own personal brand of feminism? You’ll be just as cool as that guy if you drink this beer! Created by Father John Misty himself, this beer is made from the sweat of some guy who exclusively smokes Native American Spirit tobacco rolled in rose petals. As it ferments in one of his old guitars in a Whole Foods parking lot, Misty softly strums a tune about a girl who didn’t answer his phone call in 2003, giving it the slightly bitter edge it deserves. Be sure to ask for it as loudly as possible, but without looking at the bartender, so all the indie girls know you’re aloof.
- Inglourious Brewskis
Do you like movies? Or, excuse me, films? Then you’ll love this beer! Created by Quentin Tarantino in one of Uma Thurman’s shoes from Pulp Fiction, this microbrew will have you interjecting yourself into every casual conversation with an anecdotal analysis of how it’s not ACTUALLY racist to sexualize people of color! When everyone else winces, don’t be alarmed; they’re just so amazed with your cinephilia that they have no choice but to agree with you. For a similar flavor, be sure to try Woody Allen’s new Annie Hops brew! It’s equally horrible, but we’re hoping you won’t notice based on the explanation on the bottle.
- Guy Who Brews His Own Ale
You really can be THAT guy at every bar. Only total phonies actually BUY beer, but now, you can impress every girl who ALSO skimmed Catcher in the Rye in high school by saying that exact same thing! Try going in depth with everyone in earshot about your process, and how you let it mellow in your garage next to the car you tried to repair and the record collection you never really got started. It makes a great Christmas gift for your dad, who will leave it in the garage until he can pawn it off on the unsuspecting neighbors when they come over for drinks.
Audra Joiner is a first-year student in the exploratory program and they prefer hard soda to beer. Reach them at firstname.lastname@example.org.