Chance the Rapper looks for a new intern
Recent Grammy winner Chancelor Bennett, better known as Chance the Rapper, is looking for an intern: “someone with experience in putting together decks and writing proposals.” Unfortunately, after donating $1 million to Chicago Public School Foundation, he’s feeling a little bit stingy, and is only offering one college credit for the position in lieu of cold hard cash.
Certain universities including Cornell University and SUNY Cortland have already been excluded from this possibility, as they do not accept college credit from rappers, no matter their success. It should be noted that Ithaca College students are still ineligible.
Chance the Rapper followed up the tweet with some strangely specific guidelines for those who want to pitch themselves for the position.
According to Chance, he wants someone who has a very open schedule. In order to meet the demands of the rapper, his intern cannot have any prior commitments for up to 5 years nor can they have any close relationships, especially significant others or parents. Many fans have lamented that this narrows down the candidates significantly, but both Peter Parker and Bruce Wayne are both very eager and have already submitted resumes.
Another odd requirement is that each candidate must submit a headshot and a full body image with an attached description of height, weight, and body mass index.
Although no official announcement has been made, it is rumored that Chance has already chosen his new prodigy. I sat down with the rumored intern, who requested anonymity so their Twitter handle can still remain indie and unknown, allowing for under-the-radar tweeting of dank memes.
The first thing I noticed about the intern — let’s call him Pudgy — is that he has a commanding presence, “The first time Chance saw me in person, his eyes lit up, like they literally glowed. I swear he almost started salivating, that’s how excited he was to meet me. I know I’m an alarmingly fat guy, but no one’s ever had that sort of reaction when first meeting me.”
It turns out being the Coloring Book rapper’s assistant isn’t as glamorous as one might hope. “The first day, I was expecting to be running errands and sampling mix tapes, but Chance just wanted to watch me to eat Kit Kat bars while forcing me to watch his commercial over and over again. I’ve never seen a man look so enticed by another man eating chocolate.”
Chance was also to be vulnerable around Pudgy. “Chance asks me constantly if I think his ‘3’ hat is still relevant and cool. It’s like he wants me to validate his accessory choices, even though that’s the only accessory he ever wears anymore. I stumbled into his walk-in closet the other day, and I swear the only article of clothing in the entire room were ‘3’ hats. I don’t even think I’ve even seen him without one of those hats on. It’s like he’s got scales to hide under there or something.”
But most importantly Chance might have found an unlikely pal in Pudgy, one that he can trust to babysit and also be able to crack jokes with. “The other day I was babysitting his daughter Kensli when he told me the funniest joke that had me laughing so hard my stomach rolls were bouncing uncontrollably. He said that he was secretly a dinosaur who goes by the name Chance the Raptor, who fattens up his interns, and devours them during the waning gibbous period after each full moon. I remember it really well, because I laughed so hard that I choked on the Kit Kat bar he was feeding me!”
After the waning period of the most recent full moon, I was curious to see if the joke had any merit. I checked Pudgy’s secret Twitter account to see if he’d posted any memes or updates on the internship, only to realize it had been inactive for the past few weeks. Either Pudgy has gotten really busy validating Chance’s choice to stay label-less, or he made a succulent snack for Chancelor who might just be ‘Chance the Raptor’.
For those who fit the rapper’s strict criteria and are still brave enough to be interested in interning for Chance, you can send resumes and proposals to firstname.lastname@example.org. Though, it might be wise to mention ahead of time that you wouldn’t make a suitable meal for a velociraptor.
Tessa More is a second year journalism major who liked Coloring Book but thought Acid Rap was better. You can reach them at email@example.com.