Simon Eats Garfunkel

By | May 3rd, 2017 | Avenues, Buzz Blog, Sawdust

The famed duo faces its final breakup

Shocking news has unfolded for music fans around the nation. In a freak occurrence, Art Garfunkel was reportedly eaten alive by his former music partner, Paul Simon. In his defense, Simon claimed that he thought Garfunkel was a salad, stating, “I didn’t think anything of it at the time. I saw a salad and I ate it. It just so happened that this particular salad was actually a person.”

The incidence occurred at a small party being held at Simon’s residence. Simon apparently ate Garfunkel in front of 20 witnesses all of whom were too shocked to say anything. One guest who gave his account of the scene, stated, “Paul just casually walked over to some guy no one had seen before, some funny looking guy with a Bob Ross haircut. And Paul just started eating him. He unhinged his jaw like a snake and swallowed him whole in like five seconds. It all happened so fast, no one knew what to say. The whole thing was really awkward to watch.”

When we spoke to him, Simon had trouble remembering who Garfunkel was, despite the fact that they had recorded over five albums together. “Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme?” Simon puzzled. “Those would taste great in a salad dressing.”

It remains a mystery to everyone involved how exactly Simon ate an entire person without realizing it. Reportedly, Garfunkel attempted to push Simon away when he unhinged his jaw, but Simon said that this only intensified his hunger, saying, “Salads aren’t supposed to fight back, but if I have to fight for my meal, so be it.” When asked if Garfunkel said anything in defense, Simon replied, “He might have said something but all I heard were yummy salad noises.”

Garfunkel is still trapped inside the cavernous gut of Simon and is unavailable for comment. Doctors are concerned about Garfunkel’s survival and how much longer he can withstand Simon’s digestion, stating that “Even if he isn’t absorbed into Simon’s body, it’s only a matter of time until he runs out of oxygen.”

Police are currently trying to make a plan to rescue Garfunkel from the damp, dark abyss that is Simon’s intestinal tract. They are bringing in professional spelunkers who plan to enter through Simon’s mouth and slowly work their way down to Garfunkel. One spelunker says, “None of us have attempted something like this. It’s terrifying to think about but the job must be done.”

In the meantime, doctors are keeping track of Garfunkel’s status via sonogram. To keep him nourished, they are instructing Simon to swallow whole bagged sandwiches in the hopes that they will make their way down to Garfunkel. One doctor believes that it’s a miracle he has survived this long, saying, “Paul Simon’s gut is dark and full of terrors. God help Art Garfunkel. God help us all.”


Will Cohan is a second year cinema and photography major whose favorite member was Garfunkel. Send condolences to wcohan@ithaca.edu. .

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