It’s because he’s never tried mad dank kush
By Cara Olson
Out of all the presidential cabinet members, one may expect attorney general Jeff Sessions to be the most 4/20-friendly. And that’s putting aside Jared Kushner’s blessing of a last name, of course, because we all know that guy’s an uptight dweeb. Sure, Steve Bannon may look like he just smoked fifteen blunts in a row and then fell down six flights of stairs after getting disoriented by a woman in a position of power. But then there’s Jeff Sessions. I mean, just look at his name — Jeff Sesh-ions. For all you non-fiends-for-the-green, “sesh” is a colloquial term, meaning “a period of time in which a bunch of mad tokers smoke the kind herb.”
A name like Sessions is like a gift from the gods of ganja. In other words, that name is pretty much a guarantee that you’ll be able to find ol’ Jeff on a Friday night lighting up a jazz cigarette and vibing out to old episodes of Bob Ross’s The Joy of Painting. Maybe he’ll be eating some cold pizza, because all doob-hounds know it’s superior to hot pizza.
Unfortunately, that’s not the case, even though it sounds like the greatest way Jeff Sessions could be spending his weekend. In fact, it couldn’t be further from the case. You’d be surprised to learn that Sessions is against the legalization of wacky tobacky. Or hey, maybe you wouldn’t be surprised at all — Sessions is an old Southern Republican, after all. Well, how bad does Sesh hate the Mary Jane? So much that he’s stated that marijuana is “only slightly less awful” than heroin. Wow. That’s one hardcore anti-weed sentiment. Sessions may as well have screened that old movie “Reefer Madness” at his press conference. Jeez, my prediction was really off, wasn’t it? Well, times may seem dire at the moment. Jeff Sessions, the universal lifelong hero and role model to us all, has declared his hatred for dank cabbage.
The world has officially been turned upside down. But don’t get too discouraged, stoney baloneys. Jeff Sessions’ curmudgeonly stance on the devil’s lettuce can be changed. How is that, you may ask? We cheeba-hawks just have to get Sesh a hit of this mad dank kush and he’s bound to change his mind. Nobody can deny the majesty of an excellent Plunkbottom Diesel, or maybe a Granberry Skunkhound. A fat doob of sweet Bubonic Chronic might do the trick and turn Jeff Sessions around. All it takes is one major blitz off my vape and Jeff Sessions will have no choice but to rethink his stance on marijuana. It’s up to us now — we have the power to make a change, and it all starts with one rip from the bong.
Cara Olson is a second year television-radio major who’s still unsure how they feel about the mad dank kush. You can reach them at firstname.lastname@example.org