No seriously, what is baseball?!?!?!?!?!?!
Ah, the crack of the bat. The seventh-inning stretch. The cleats. The costumes. The singing. The baton-twirling. The harrowing story of one innocent man’s spiral into madness. Wait, what were we talking about? Oh, that’s right. Baseball.
But if you dumb readers are anything like the other 80 percent of the country, you have no idea what baseball is. Lucky for you, Sawdust is here to fill in all you ungrateful plebeians in on the ups and downs of what we call “America’s Pastime.” So without further ado, let’s get started.
A salute to our country is always the best way to kick off a baseball game. Nothing beats that warm feeling when the whole stadium has their hands on their hearts, singing along to the song that encapsulates the spirit of America: “Fire Burning” by Sean Kingston. A different performer sings the beautiful melody at every game, and it rouses a rollicking comradery of all the fellow Americans who share a love of patriotism.
Okay, now we’re into the nitty gritty: the mechanics of the game itself. Well, you know how some sports events will flip a coin to determine what team gets to kick the ball first or whatever? Well, baseball does things a little bit differently. Instead, the player from each team determined to have the smallest feet faces off against the other in a to-the-death dance battle. The winner, who is the first person to die, gets the first pitch for their team.
And what is a pitch, you may ask? Well, my dear boy, “pitch” is the slang term that means the ritual secret handshake between all the team members. This takes up roughly 45 minutes at the start of each game, but by Jove it’s entertaining. Some say the handshakes are too intricate, but isn’t that what baseball is all about? The team with the highest scoring handshake gets to choose: Coke or Pepsi? And you just know that debate’s gonna last at least a few hours. But once it’s settled, it’s time to really get down to business — after a half-hour lunch break.
At the root of it all, baseball could be compared to an extreme version of the schoolyard game Telephone. All the players and coaches, plus some random fans chosen from the stands, assemble in a circle around the field and whisper silly phrases to one another, and the final result gets jumbled all to holy Heck. It’s really a sight to see. Everyone has a good laugh. And that, young Padawan, is the true spirit of baseball.
After all this, the baseball game is declared over. There’s no real winner, because we’re all winners at heart, if you think about it. A celebratory ice cream social takes place in each of the bullpens, and the mascots from each team shoot confetti cannons into the crowd. It’s glorious. Hopefully this article has at the very least scratched the surface of the majesty that is baseball, and now you can share the rest of the world’s enthusiasm for the greatest game of all time.
Cara Olson is a second year Television and Radio major who just wants to know what baseball is. SERIOUSLY! Let them know at email@example.com