Jimmy Kimmel opens high-end coffee shops in Chicago

By | April 10th, 2017 | Buzz Blog, Day/Night, Sawdust

Hopes to connect with common man

Since Oscar Host and civil rights activist Jimmy Kimmel successfully grounded the world of the Hollywood elite by bringing in a small tour bus full of 10 people into the Dolby Theater during the Academy Awards, many have been asking what Kimmel may be up to next. Well, a brand new business endeavor for Kimmel will hopefully be that next step.

For those who did not watch this year’s Academy Awards ceremony, there was a short five minute segment in which host Kimmel invited a tour bus of people to walk through the ceremony. Most of the tourists were understandably confused by the hundreds of celebrities that were suddenly in the same room. However, one tourist captured the hearts of millions with his enthusiasm and energy. Gary Coe from Chicago strutted confidently through the Dolby Theater. Kimmel, proud of his bold and progressive work as Oscar’s host, spoke highly of the newly not-legally-weds. “They’re incredible people, absolutely lovely. I really got to know them in that five minutes. I talk to so many famous people it’s nice to get to know a couple of just normal people. Such easily pronounceable names too!”

To continue to connect with people like Coe, Kimmel has decided to turn his attention towards Chicago. “I thought to myself, ‘Hollywood is out of touch.’ We’re all so elitist. We hold these big events only in New York and Los Angeles and only invite the richest and most influential people.” To rectify this Kimmel has decided to bring a little slice of Hollywood to the mid-west. Starting with one location in the south side of Chicago, Kimmel is bringing the Hollywood lifestyle to the people by opening a part-coffee shop part-art gallery chain. “It’s incredible! Chicago has all these empty lots and parks that are just itching for new exciting businesses. I’m just amazed no one has thought of this before.” Kimmel explained of his new self-described “philanthropic project.”

The Kimmel owned cafe chain will be named Mahershala, after the Academy Award winning actor Mahershala Ali, from the best picture winning Moonlight.

“I love that name, it’s such a funny name. I made a bunch of jokes about it that went over really well at the Oscars. Did you know I hosted the Oscars this year? I hope when people see the sign on the cafe it catches their eye the same way it captured mine when I was making fun of him in a room full of his peers.” Kimmel explained in an interview conducted while he was getting fitted for a new tuxedo for the grand opening.

Mahershala is like a taste of Hollywood culture and coffee. It is being advertised as an authentic Hollywood experience. A valet service is offered for customers priced, along with everything else sold, accurately to the average of similar business found in Los Angeles. Kimmel, who at this point in the interview was getting his $6,000 shoes polished, summarized his vision for Mahershala, “I think this is a great opportunity for the people of Chicago to learn what it’s like to be a famous Hollywood celebrity. Now that I’ve gotten to know Gary, I’ve realized he’s not that unlike some of the famous people I know. He just hasn’t been given the opportunity to live that lifestyle because Chicago is so far away from New York and Los Angeles. I’m proud to bring this exciting new experience to Gary and the rest of the windy city.”

Edward Willshire is a second year Film, Photography and Visual Art major whose favorite Jimmy Kimmel bit is that one where he’s mean to Matt Damon. Reach them at ewillshire@ithaca.edu

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