God Accepts Presidential Medal of Freedom

By | April 10th, 2017 | Day/Night, Sawdust

When you thought the everlasting hadn’t done enough

Claire McClusky God get s medal for making light and dark

This afternoon, in one of his last movements as Commander-in-Chief, President Obama awarded Vice President Joe Biden the Presidential Medal of Freedom for his 8 years of loyalty during his administration. Later that afternoon, in another emotional ceremony, the President presented the second Presidential Medal of Freedom of the day to God, for inventing day and night.

“To the one who has done only the best of the American people,” said the President in a tear-filled ceremony, “Many Americans have done great things in the name of day and night.” He cited the inventions of ultimate frisbee, film noir and Kid Cudi’s hit single, “Day ‘N Night,” as some of the greatest achievements that have occurred in both the day and the night.

This heart wrenching ceremony was disturbed by the ruckus occurring outside the White House. Protesters had lined up since that morning, making vocal accusations towards the President regarding the separation of church and state.

“Do you know how long it took me to make my students understand that the Earth revolves around the sun?” griped Mr. Lawhorn, a local high school science teacher.

Local religious leaders also gathered in celebration for God’s new achievement. Hymns, prayers, and reciting for scriptures filled the surrounding streets through the afternoon in great jubilee. However, the harmony quickly deescalated as many of the participants couldn’t agree exactly whose God was being commended.

The Metropolitan Police Department, Homeland Security, and Secret Service moved into the situation amongst the religious leaders to intervene.

“I hadn’t seen anything like it since I was on the West Bank,” said Senior Homeland Security official, [name redacted]. Just before the conflict turned from bad to worse, the already gloomy day of rain and clouds broke.

The clouds parted and dissipated across the city. The sun shone, filling the sky with a brilliant blue and the temperature went from a balmy 40 degrees Fahrenheit to a warm 72. The most noticeable feature of the odd yet pleasant weather pattern was the great beam of light that came down directly from the sky to the top of the White House.

“What a magnificent day for ice cream,” cheered the Vice President Joe Biden, who rolled up to Lafayette Park in an ice cream truck and began handing out frozen novelties to protesters, religious leaders, and federal authorities alike.

Former Administrator of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, Charles Frank Bolden, accepted the medal on behalf of God, stating, “Many people are unaware that the sun is also a star.” He was also heard after the ceremony saying that without day and night we would all be very, very, alone.

“We are all just specks. We are all just specks,” he whispered under his breath as he exited the White House with the rest of the NASA team.

God could not be reached for comment.


Yasmeen Mughal is a third year Writing for Film, TV and Emerging Media major who has a lot of complicated thoughts on religion but will only talk about them over coffee. Reach her at ymughal@ithaca.edu

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