A government for the people, suggested by the people
White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer, has confirmed a suggestion box will be installed in the White House’s basement, open to those who “can make it down to the bowling alley, roll a strike in one try, and buy a couple cases of beer wholesale from my wife.” Some qualifications exist, along with the aforementioned qualifications, to who can suggest a suggestion, with precedence given to those who “choose to slip in a certified Trump steak, wrapped in at least 45 Trump ties, all tied in the Eldredge style.” Spicer added that the White House is open to any architecture plans for a new White House, allowing a proposal by anyone “even someone not white, male, or old but just let it be known that we will go with the most cost-effective, energy-deficient option”.
Spicer left immediately after that statement, citing “a prior-engagement with some real journalists.”
Directly afterwards, Kellyanne Conway, bursting through a window into the James S. Brady Press Briefing Room, made it clear that “no suggestions political in nature can be mad about ideas about the fate of the environment” or “shit about social security.” But if you have something to say about “how great Trump is for American culture and society and the American globe, and find ways to make the world more welcoming of Trump, go ahead, you’re encouraged.”
Anyone, even those who can’t bowl, can recommend an outfit online with the White House’s official suggestion box for Ivanka, Barron, Melania, Ivana or Eric to wear but Donald will “most definitely try it on first.” High on the priority list of suggestions to suggest is for the complete overhaul of the design of the White House’s interior. Trump envisions “lots of dollar signs,” “abundant candelabras running on sperm whale oil” and “a gold sculpture of naked Trump coated in plutonium.” This will all be finished off with “a scattering of Trump’s glorious nail clippings across the floor of the Oval Office.” Design suggestions should be submitted as soon as possible considering Trump has stated in a previous press conference, “I just don’t have the time to put together my master design work on my own and I might just use the nuclear football before completion.” Conway finished with a plug for Barron Trump’s new fragrance, ‘Nobleboy’ with “hints of cotton-candy, oak bark, and peasant-soul.”
To finish out the press conference, President Donald Justice Trump flew a helicopter through the ceiling of the White House, into the press room. Declaring himself as “the new leader of the Trumperica world,” Trump proceeded to get on the podium and squawk like a lizard while rubbing his shoulders and back as a six-foot long scaly, metallic, shimmering tail burst out of his tailbone area. Conway, seemingly used to this occurrence, comforted the mediated crowd crying, “This is normal! This is normal! We want this to happen!” Trump continued to gather up all the journalists present into his arms, choking all the air out of their lungs, while then gnawing on the earlobes of each unconscious human.
Kirby Wilhelm is a second year Sociology major who mails the white house every day. You can reach him at email@example.com.