Amidst bad sales, Crystal Pepsi to be repurposed for Flint water system
In 1992, the nation was swept by a revolution. That revolution had a name: Crystal Pepsi. It was a national phenomenon — until 1993, when Pepsi suddenly discontinued the product, spurning an uproar. Many speculate that the discontinuation was related to the September 1993 premiere of Bill Nye the Science Guy; perhaps the Science Guy himself would uncover the secret to Pepsi Crystal’s formula.
Smash cut to 2017. We have a new president deciding where our tax dollars are to be spent. And as we all know, there are plenty of places where that money could do a lot of good. The Flint water crisis has been happening for more than two years, and would cost $55 million — chump change to good ol’ Trumpy. But wait! There’s a more pressing matter at hand: A 21 billion dollar wall on the U.S.-Mexico border needs to be built stat. We can’t waste time restoring clean water to a community. No, that would allow too many Bad Hombres across the border. Flint’s just gonna have to wait.
Or will they? This past summer, Pepsi, with the threat of Bill Nye mostly faded away, initiated a second release of the mind-boggling clear cola. Targets around the country scrambled to stock shelves with the product, anticipating whirlwind nostalgia and over-the-top sales. Police in riot gear lined the streets to fight off any angry customers who hadn’t gotten the Crystal Pepsi they wanted. A declaration of State of Emergency was at the ready.
Unfortunately, the return of Crystal Pepsi did not get the action it expected, and Pepsi was left embarrassed and with far too much Crystal Pepsi on their hands — until the obvious solution struck them. With a desire to restore their brand integrity and a hope of helping the common good, the head honchos at Pepsi hatched a somewhat questionable plan: filling reservoirs in Flint, Michigan with Crystal Pepsi.
“It’s just what the people want,” Pepsi’s CEO, Glinda Weppler, said. “We at Pepsi are passionate about the health and wellbeing of our customers, and Flint is in dire need of our help. What better way to solve this crisis than with the incredible fresh taste of Crystal Pepsi?”
Pepsi revealed their intentions a few days ago, and the reaction was one to behold. Celebrations filled the streets of Flint after the announcement. Songs hailing the majesty of Crystal Pepsi were heard throughout the city. Citizens of Flint expressed their excitement over the news.
“This city and the people living here have been ignored since the crisis began,” Clementine Hands, a Flint resident, said. “I’m so grateful for Pepsi and their generosity, even though my children and I still won’t have clean water to drink.”
“I’m just over the moon!” Geoff Checker, another Flint resident, said. “I can’t wait to bathe in Crystal Pepsi.”
“Yeah, uh, that’s pretty weird,” Magenta Yickers said, offering a different perspective when she heard the news. “I mean, I know our water is poisonous, but Crystal Pepsi? A clear Pepsi — you can’t tell me that stuff’s not poisonous too. Come on.”
Regardless of Yickers’ dissenting opinion, it looks like the surplus of Crystal Pepsi will go to good use after all. Somehow, this is not even close to the most absurd thing that’s happened so far in 2017.
Cara Olson is a second year Television-Radio major and Crystal Pepsi is her favorite drink, second only to Berry Fanta. You can reach her at firstname.lastname@example.org