What not to do
when you like a guy:
The guide for dummies.
Number One: When said guy walks into the room, do not look up. And if by any chance said guy does notice you, do not make any form of eye contact.
Shit, of course I looked up. Now we made eye contact.
Warning: If you do happen to glance up and are caught staring at him, look right back down and pretend to have never acknowledged his presence. He may overlook you.
Number Two: After turning away, do not glance back in the direction said guy is in. Continue staring away for at least the rest of your life.
Shit, I glanced back. And he waved at me.
Warning: If you do peek a lifetime too early, do not wave like a broken down robot. You are a well-oiled machine who can handle any and all types of situations. Except the ones that include feelings.
Number Three: If said guy walks towards you, and you can’t look away, find a random object across the room and pretend that it is the most important and fascinating object in the entire world.
Shit, he just said “hi”.
Warning: If said guy is at a close proximity, don’t open and close your mouth. You are not a fish out of water, gasping for air like you are gasping for words right now. You are a human being with a brain that can say something—anything—intelligent.
Number Four: While said guy patiently waits for you to respond, do not gaze into his eyes for any reason. None at all. Under no circumstances.
Shit, I just did.
Warning: If this were to happen, there is a ninety-nine point nine nine percent chance that your insides will warm and melt. His eyes are the window to the soul and from the intensity and passion from him alone, you will easily forget where you are.
If you follow all these rules,
then you should be fine.
But if you don’t and break all of them,
He is just a guy.
That you like.
Who is still standing in front of you.
“Hi. How’s your shoes?”