Republicans seek counseling to patch rifts from election
According to reports by our Buzzstaff, key members of the GOP have recently been seen checking into family counseling together, in what can only be taken as a last-ditch effort to patch things up for the age-old political party. In the midst of differing views and a divisive campaign by one president-elect Donald J Trump (the J stands for joke-that’s-gone-on-far-too-long), Speaker Of the House Paul Ryan decided to give therapy a try while their insurance still covered it under Obamacare. Fox News anchorwoman Megyn Kelly agreed, saying it helped her family when her son came out as a liberal.
Sporting mom jeans and a yellow polo t-shirt, Ryan approached the office of one Dr. Nassder, tugging Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell by the hand as they entered. Normally, these kinds of meetings are kept in iron-clad doctor-patient confidentiality, but one staffer who chose to remain anonymous (It was Evan, totally Evan) snuck into the meeting, dressed as TV sensation Geraldo Rivera. The following is a rough transcript of how the appointment unfolded.
Nassder: Hello and welcome, I’m happy to see you all here today. Let’s just get a head count, can y’all give me your names?
Ryan: Uh, I’m Paul Ryan.
McCarthy: Kevin here.
Kelly: Hi I’m Megyn. That’s with a Y.
Rivera: Hey guys, Geraldine – I mean Geraldo. Yeah, Geraldo’s my name!
Nassder: Okay… are we missing anyone? I counted five people.
Ryan elbows McConnell in the rib, and he flinches. McConnell rolls his eyes.
McConnell: I’m Mitch. And I’m addicted to Hentai.
Ryan: *whispers* This is couples counseling, you idiot! That was yesterday’s appointment!
McConnell: Oh thank god. Sorry, it’s been a busy couple weeks, what with the election and all.
Nassder: I’m glad you brought that up, actually. How do you guys feel about Trump being elected?
Ryan: Well, if we’re being honest here—
Kelly: He’s a buffoonish blowhard with the nuclear codes! We’re kind of freaking out here, doc.
Nassder: Is this how you all feel?
The group nods unanimously.
Nassder: Right. How about we do a little exercise in collective hopefulness? I want each of you look to the person on your right, and give a reason why you have faith in them. McCarthy, you’re not really that important, let’s start with you so Paul has a chance to make something up.
McCarthy: Right. Okay, here goes. Geraldo, I have faith in you to always connect with the thirty-something housewife in Illinois who thinks gerrymander is an ice cream flavor.
Nassder: That’s sweet, Kevin. Geraldo?
Rivera: Okay, um… Mitch, I have faith in you to speak the truth about how you feel, no matter how bizarre or disturbing it may be.
McConnell smiles, a single tear sliding down his face
McConnell: Thanks, G, I always wanted someone to say that to me.
McCarthy: We were all thinking it.
Kelly: Oh it’s my turn isn’t it? Paul, I have faith that you will keep those abs all the way through the Trump administration.
Ryan: Gotta look good for swimsuit season, Meg. Can’t let the terrorists win.
Nassder: Paul, what can you say to Kevin?
Ryan: Kevin, I have faith that you will continue to do whatever it is that you do.
McCarthy: When I figure out what that is, I’m on it!
Nassder: Beautiful. Didn’t that just make everyone feel good?
McConnell: I haven’t felt like this since we prevented Obama from closing Guantanamo.
Kelly: At the end of the day, all we’re trying to do is continue our platform of moderate intolerance. Do we believe in saying “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays”? Yes of course! Do we believe in deporting all Muslims? Most certainly not, especially not around the holidays.
Ryan: Hear hear!
Kelly: We’re the party of light unscrupulousness, dammit, and if Trump can’t handle that then we’re gonna form our own party!
Ryan: Wait, what?
Nassder: No no no…
Kelly: Yeah, and it’s gonna start now. I’ve been waiting for this moment for years, Paul. You know I’ve had it with your spinelessness. I’m running in 2020 under the Moms4Guns ticket. You with me Geraldo? Wait where did he go?
At this point our correspondent was hiding outside the window, continuing to take notes.
Kelly: Fine, I don’t need that two-bit reporter. How about you, Nassder?
Nassder: Actually, I was going to ask you to join my party…
Nassder takes off his wig, revealing himself to be Bernie Sanders. Get it? His alias was an acronym!
McCarthy: No! We’ve been Bull-Moosed!
Sanders: Not so fast there Kev, the Democratic party could really use some tough nuts like you guys right now. Times are tough, and I say this country–
Ryan: He’s a socialist!! Get him!!
Ryan, Kelly, McConnell and McCarthy chase Sanders out of the therapist’s office, proving that even amongst factional disputes, there’s always one thing the GOP can always count on – their hatred and ignorance of socialism.
Tylor is a fourth year writing major who is worried the GOP’s problems are all his fault. You can email them at email@example.com.