Ithaca On Top

By | December 13th, 2016 | Glue, Sawdust

Ithaca is a gorges place to raise your child into a crumbling system

The hit liberal political website VOX released a list of the best towns in America to raise children into a crumbling system and Ithaca got number 1! They defined a crumbling system as one that is falling apart due to government inefficiency and poor representation. They cited Ithaca’s great amenities such as the Commons area and the gorges as some of the reasons why Ithaca is just the most splendid place to raise the youth in the wake of these dire times .

Among them, VOX said the presence of vast higher education in the town, between Ithaca College, Cornell University, and Tompkins County Community College present options for kids to be taught the crippling truth about the true nature of the American system.

“While society burns around you, enjoy great scenic views of farmland from beautiful vantage points on Ithaca’s East and South Hills,” the website said. Commenting on the article, Ithaca Mayor, Svante Myrick said, “It’s truly an honor to be named the best place in Ithaca to raise your children into a troubled country. Even though we are living in a broken political structure, at least we have a festival every week! This week is Infinite Jest Fest. Is the world too dark for you? Distract yourself with the infinitely darker novel by David Foster Wallace — see what I did there?”

This news brought great joy to the citizens of Ithaca who felt disappointed by the results of the 2016 election on Nov 8. One Ithaca woman, Lisa Corduroy, said, “At first I thought I’d dread raising my daughter into the current American system but now I can look forward to having to answer her questions about how a man could rise to power, even after saying ‘grab them by the pussy’ to imply his own actions in a town with some of the most beautiful gorges in the country!”

Another resident, Lionel Train, told Buzzsaw, “I’ve been so cynical about my inability to find a job lately that I completely forgot that even though my unborn children will one day be stuck in the same conundrum of unemployment, at least they’ll be able to play on that weird playground in the Commons in front of Moonies.”

Indeed there are somber times here in lovely Ithaca, New York, but at least it we have such great options at our disposal to help people forget about the disastrous situation that their children are doomed to be raised into.


Jordan is a third year writing for film, television, and emerging media major who hopes the system will be done crumbling by the time he has kids. You can email them at jaaron@ithaca.edu.

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