Maybe we should help him down?
I’m posting this message on Facebook from my phone in hopes that someone will read it and help me. All you people have done is like and share my posts! I’m not joking around on this one. I’m seriously hanging over downtown NYC right now.
I attempted to take a selfie of my once-in-a-lifetime one-handed handstand on the ledge of a 40-story building. Unfortunately, I slipped on some weird substance and wasn’t able to get the picture. My Instagram profile surely suffered, but I got a killer picture for Facebook of me hanging one-handed off of a building.
The only reason I’m not dead right now is because my hand got stuck in that sticky substance. It turns out that the building was a glue factory. They put glue all over the ledges to discourage workers from jumping off. I guess there was a problem in the past. It’s kinda ironic because what caused my fall, also saved me from falling. Although, my arm did pop out of its socket. Yes, it hurt… a lot, but I can’t feel my arm anymore.
Initially, everyone on the streets just gawked, and freaked out, and took a ton of pictures. An enormous Twitter storm about the man hanging from a building began and lasted for a week.
“Holy shit! Did you see the guy hanging from the building!”
“Wow, glad I’m not that guy.”
“What an idiot.”
“Who’s stupid enough to try to do a one-handed handstand on the top of a 40 story building? This guy [insert photo of me].”
People were going to sue the glue company. The president gave a speech, “Today, we, as a nation, see the effects of social media and the competitive nature of sharing photos on such mediums as Facebook and Instagram. From now on, the United States of America will ban the use of social media.”
Every news station from 18WCC to Channel 7 came to cover the huge story. It felt good to be recognized. This entire incident was huge. I thought getting a cool picture and showing everyone my athletic ability would make me a star, but celebrity from hanging off a building is okay, I guess. The whole thing was so tremendous, everyone forgot to actually help me down! Yes, I’ve been here for a week and three days. I guess everyone is just too busy on social media to actually do something. I’m on Facebook posting this status in hopes that one of you will help me. My arm feels like it is about to fall off, so please hurry.
Alayna Vander Veer is a first year english major who loves parkour and climbing up buildings. You can email them at firstname.lastname@example.org.