She loves the Cubs!
Last Monday, hackers gained access to the most secret files in the Clinton campaign’s servers and disseminated those files via Wikileaks. One such file of grave interest is an apparent acceptance speech written by Clinton herself before the election in preparation of her supposed victory on Tuesday. However, considering the outcome, it was never delivered. Here is the full transcript of that speech, unedited:
My fellow Americans, we have finally done it. Like Bruce Willis in Die Hard, we have finally broken through that one glass ceiling that has contained women for so long: the presidency. Today is a historic day, as I will become the first woman to be the President of the United States. (Applause.) [The applauses were actually written into the speech.] Man, we really dodged a bullet with that one, didn’t we? We could have accidentally had a man with no morals, no experience, and no consistency to lead the free world. That would have been a huge mistake! Thank God we didn’t make it. I mean, seriously. Could you imagine that animated, narcissistic Cheeto-monster sitting in the oval office, in charge of basically everything that we have ever known and loved?
It really puts my heart to ease that the American people realized in times of great turbulence and challenges, it’s probably best not to elect a guy who thinks women are like Twinkies stuck in vending machines. We really proved them wrong, eh? Don’t even get me started on his VP pick, Mike Pence. The guy has the same idea about “fixing” gay people as Tom Hanks has in the Green Mile. That makes sense — not! Not only that, but he wants to ban female contraceptives. Thank God, women, especially white women, saw through that ploy. Am I right, ladies? (More applause.) Now, with a female president, we will enter a new gender-equal world, and no one, especially women, will be taken advantage of. I’m glad women (white women in particular — looking at you, Taylor Swift), saw that and voted for me. America needs a president who is competent and ready, and I’m glad all of you saw that and stated it so clearly with your ballot.
Now, I know what you’re all thinking after this long election: what will a Hillary presidency look like? Simple. A cabinet free from lobbyists and very obvious racists. I mean, that’s like number one on things not to do when you form a cabinet. See, all that experience is paying off! A president free of any private conflicts of interest caused by corporate involvement. I mean, isn’t that like a no brainer? A president who won’t use Twitter to attack my enemies randomly and nonsensically to cover up my own insecurities? Bam, look at that. That’s what I stand for. I stand for a country where everyone has hot sauce. I stand for a country where the Chicago Cubs win every single year, and that’s the kind of country I’m going to fight for.
The Clinton campaign could not be reached for comment.
Harold is a third year student majoring in writing for film, television, and emerging media and was really hoping Hillary would win the election. You can email them at firstname.lastname@example.org.