Researchers test, determine which campus has greenest grass
Breaking News: Cornell Scientists Report Grass Really Is Greener at Ithaca.
A year-long research project came to a close earlier this month as lead scientists at Cornell University concluded that the grass really is greener on the other side of Cayuga Lake. After taking sample blades of grass from both Ithaca College’s campus and Cornell’s, it’s been proven that Ithaca’s grass is slightly greener.
Research Director for the project, Dr. Gerald Hoitz said, “It was a very close call, but… Ithaca’s grass did come out on top, only slightly, proving to be a mere two shades greener.”
When asked if there was anything else he wanted to add, he shook her head no as his eyes began to tear, although Hoitz insisted he “just had some grass stuck in his eye.”
Samples were taken on IC’s campus from cracks in the Z lot, in front of East Tower and outside of campus center dining hall. On Cornell’s campus, the team retrieved samples from the Arts Quad, near the golf cart storage facilities and behind the Delta Chi house, but our male researchers did have to pay $5 to get the sample as the frat brothers explained that “it was darty season.”
The winning sample came from the academic quad on Ithaca’s campus and was a Mountain Meadow Green: the most prestigious green on the Crayola Scale. Cornell’s greenest blade of grass was categorized as only a Screamin’ Green exactly three shades below Meadow Green on the Crayola Scale.
The complexity of the project isn’t to blame for its unnecessary length as it was a relatively simple procedure, instead, the length of the project stems from the poor morale of the Cornell researchers involved.
Climate Analyst Rebecca Davis shared why the project took nearly a year to complete. “I tried, okay? I tried. It was just so hard to keep the group motivated to continue working as it started to become clear that everything really was greener at Ithaca,” whined Davis. “It’s just not fair.”
Cornell student Emma Fried’s jaw dropped when she heard the results. “I can’t even begin to understand how Ithaca’s grass is greener after I worked so hard to go to a so-called ‘Ivy League School.’ Those Ithaca kids don’t deserve it.”
However, Ithaca student Logan Bigg had a different take on the news. Bigg described the grass quality on South Hill as “dope” and boasted that Ithaca “has that good kush.” We later clarified to Bigg that the article wasn’t about marijuana, but rather literal grass. Bigg quickly lost interest and declined to comment further.
Hoitz also reported to Buzzsaw that grass color is dependent on the friendliness of the community and overall happiness of students on campus. Hoitz admitted that while Cornell has no chance at beating Ithaca in that category, they sure can work to genetically modify their grass and make it at least appear greener to prospective students.
One category of the study that Cornell was more successful in was the variety in the shades of their grass. Sure while Ithaca had the greenest grass, Cornell’s grass was definitely the most diverse.
However, Big Red couldn’t celebrate long, as the Ithaca public relations team quickly solved the issue, by designating a section of campus for every shade of grass, to ensure that all shades of grass, including Pine Green, Rainforest Green, and Fern, were represented equally.
Buzzsaw caught up with Hoitz and Davis a month after the initial interview, only to find that the scientists had quit their research on the topic altogether and instead decided to just buy turf. This would ensure that their grass was the greenest it could be.
When Ithaca’s administration heard about Cornell looking into buying new turf, they immediately Googled where they could buy their own, (hopefully greener), turf. It’s anyone’s race now to see which campus can buy the greenest fake grass first and become the proud owners of “The Greenest Grass (Turf) on Cayuga.”
Sarah Horbacewicz is a first-year TVR major who actually prefers squash spice to pumpkin spice. You can email them at firstname.lastname@example.org.