Real Science On How To Have A Healthy Diet by Dr. Richard McCob
The articles “Nothing you’re eating is healthy,” “Food Ravages the Body,” and “Throw that Shit Away,” expound on the perilous relationship we have with food, but it is time to tell you about food’s homicidal side. It is Nutrish’s job to educate the public with new information. What food will do to the body is perfidious. There are hidden hazards in everything you eat.
Considering the pretentious venoms lurking within every morsel you put to your mouth, you should know Vitamin C causes baldness and Calcium creates cellulite. All food contains harmful free rationals — insidious little molecules — that enter and destroy cells. Food that’s vibrant green causes skin to loosen and fall off, and food found in nature causes instant liver failure.
Popular foods such as packaged food, especially packaged food, contains hydrogenated oil, which is fat with some hydrogen molecules in it. This can cause build up in the arteries and lead to a heart attack or cardiac arrest, and bowel obstructions. Common in popular tasty food items is Monosodium Glutamate which can cause headaches, stomachaches, nausea, weakness, weight gain, shortness of breath, and make you blow up… and die. Polysorbate 60 is practically poison, and E405 is asking for death. Don’t get me started on sugary glucose and whole wheat. They will make you increase pant sizes twice in a week!
If for some outlandish reason you don’t believe me when I say, “Everything You Eat Is Going to Kill You,” well then — here is news from the best, brightest, intellectual, nutritionist and dietitian in the world!
Dr. Phil O. Springer has been an expert in his field of study for over 30 years. The esteemed clinician has recently completed research on how food has betrayed the human body. Dr. Springer studied 23 individuals’ diets and any problems they had experienced throughout the trial. He found 14 of the 23 individuals had trouble sleeping, while 9 individuals had a difficult time waking up in the morning; five suffered nausea, one was diagnosed with gout, and 18 of the 23 were unhappy with their lives. Not to mention that 20 out of the 23 were over the weight recommended for their height. Dr. Springer found, overall, conditions of the mind and body were adversely affected by food.
When the participants in the study were asked what they were eating, they responded that they were eating healthy foods such as fruits and vegetables. How could this happen then? The participants had no clue what food was doing to them. Even “healthy” food will kill you.
Alkalizing vegetables, which have been called the miracle “feel-good” food in years past, are now dangerous and cause forgetfulness, aggression, and rapid age degeneration. Lemon and cucumber popular for “detoxing” actually make the body hold involatile particles, which make it difficult to process anything you consume.
New research declares bananas, whole wheat, fish, pork, lettuce, carrots, bell-pepper, and plums, to only mention a few, are awful for your precious self. Food will inevitably destroy you, placing deep wrinkles upon crepey sagging skin on your bone — how can one expect to be happy when the body and mind are in a slow decline toward oblivion?
So here is the problem, you can’t eat anything that won’t, inevitably kill you. The solution? Spaxx!
Spaxx, a new designer diet bar, is specially crafted to support all your needs. It tastes great and it is pre-packaged for freshness. You won’t regret buying it and it won’t kill you to eat it either. The beauty of the bar is that it comes in a variety of flavors ranging from grandma’s homemade apple fritters, carrots and celery, spaghetti, to chicken teriyaki. Spaxx won’t make you gain any weight; you can stop worrying about how much of what you are eating. And don’t fret over eating something that will kill you, Spaxx is completely benign because it made from nothing… that will kill you… seriously, Spaxx is created with nothing.
Order Spaxx now! The order form is attached at the end of this article. Please send to 666 Golden Hill, Northern Gemmemonie, U.S.A, with an address, credit card information, bank account number and 200 dollars. Plus 59.99 for shipping.
Richard McCob fully endorses this product.
“I eat it everyday. I’ve already lost 30 pounds in just three days. I haven’t felt this great in ages and I have a ton of energy!”
Kim Kardashian has this to say about Spaxx: “Anytime I crave something to eat I just grab a bar of Spaxx.”
And Tom Cruise, “Yeah, um Spaxx is great, uh especially ‘cause it feeds the poor and needy.”
Alayna Vander Veer is a first-year english major who avoids eating anything at all, just to be safe. You can email them at firstname.lastname@example.org.