How straight white men have given us all
Albert Einstein. George Washington. Benjamin Franklin.
What do these people have in common? They are all straight white men who have irrevocably shaped the history of America — the world’s greatest and most powerful country.
Many history books laud the accomplishments of straight white men, and rightly so. In this short expository piece, we will explore the ways in which straight white men have bettered America, and the world.
It is impossible to think about America without thinking about straight white men. In fact, our nation was created by the first ever straight white man, Christopher Columbus.
Columbus was the first sentient being to walk on this planet we call Earth. We do not know who or what created Columbus, and there are some who speculate that he was a godlike figure, created by the amalgamation of space and time.
After creating Earth, Columbus created America. Legend indicates that Columbus possessed a large army of eagles, which gathered hefty boulders at his command and flung them into the sea for six days. On the seventh day, Columbus rested. He dubbed the eagle-built landmass “America,” which means “this thing was built by a lot of eagles.” Despite the presence of his flock of loyal eagles, Columbus felt lonely in America. Therefore, he created five more straight white men so they could play a decent game of pickup basketball.
Shortly after Columbus created America, electricity was invented.
Electricity, which allows us to live comfortably in our homes, was also created single-handedly by a straight white man. Benjamin Franklin, who was both straight and white, invented what is known in modern times as “lightning.”
Lightning falls to the ground when summoned by straight white men, and its power is then harnessed to create the energy that powers our homes. Franklin discovered lightning one day when his hot chocolate grew cold. Frustrated, Franklin ran outside, and, fueled by the rage inspired by his lukewarm cocoa, climbed an elm tree in his yard that was roughly five miles high. The friction created by Franklin’s hands flying over the scarred trunk of the elm created the very first lightning bolt.
Without electricity, we would not be able to see at night, and, perhaps worse, we would not be able to watch sports on the television. Incidentally, the television was created by a straight white man called Philo Farnsworth.
There are some millennials who argue that women, people of color, and members of the LGBT community have invented things. While the claims are largely unfounded, there is some evidence that indicates that a woman may have invented the bra. However, straight white men are once again behind this idea.
Everyone knows that prior to the invention of the bra, the bikini was invented by a straight white man. The bra is an inferior version of the bikini, because it is hidden beneath clothes, and therefore it cannot possibly accentuate the breasts of a woman. Breasts are items that should be on display for straight white men at all times of day, as was decreed by Columbus, our God.
Similarly, the author of this expository piece could mention some alleged “accomplishments” of people of color and the LGBT community (e.g. Super Soakers and computer science), but we all know that these endeavors all lead back to straight white men, so there’s really no point in looking into the issue.
In conclusion: All hail Columbus. All hail Columbus. All hail Columbus.
Kelsey Schmidt is a senior speech-language and pathology major who knows better than to take credit for this article, as she is not a straight white man. You can email her at firstname.lastname@example.org.