New convention decrees alternative conflict resolution
New York, USA — The United Nations Security Council approved a new resolution demanding that all conflicts between nations be settled using any variety of board games — including but not limited to: Jenga, Monopoly, Risk and Boggle.
The resolution, titled “The War Games Convention” was heavily backed by the Obama administration. Samantha Power, the United States Ambassador to the UN, heavily supported the measure. She said, “It’s our last hope to get all of these stupid wars over with and end on a high note.”
Despite the popularity of the measure with numerous Western European states such as Great Britain and France, other countries such as Russia and China objected.
Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov decried the measure.
“It restricts my country’s ability to invade and take whatever we want! Imagine a Russia that can’t constantly humiliate the West by intervening whenever we feel like it. I certainly can’t,” he said.
The Chinese were equally as upset; now they would have to settle hundreds of island disputes through hundreds of different games of Mahjong.
The discomfort of many nations has been worsened by the relative failures of the resolution in practice. During a game of Monopoly, the North Koreans landed on the South Korean-owned Boardwalk. Kim Jung Un flipped the table over, called the South Koreans “dirty capitalists,” and demanded they play his board game called “Kim Jung Un Wins Everything and You Give Everything to Him.” It is currently being published by Milton Bradley.
American congressmen have also voiced their concerns.
Conservative lawmakers are perturbed that the measure means there would not be anymore conventional wars.
Senator Chuck Todd Jr. (R-NC) said, “We ain’t gonna have no more good old fashioned wars. Ya know, the kind where dudes get all blown up like that one scene in Saving Private Ryan were the dude is holdin’ his arm. Cool stuff like that.”
Even liberal lawmakers are speaking out against it, citing the unjust loss of long-winded, pointless negotiations.
Representative Diana Goldstein (D-NY) lamented, “Gone will be the days of sitting in a large conference room with ruthless dictators arguing for days about small regime changes that ultimately lead to nothing.” She wiped a tear. “What a shame.”
In response to the new treaty, many nations are reworking their militaries to prepare for these new games.
According to Ramon Estevez, war minister of Venezuela, infantry divisions are being traded for Scrabble divisions. Soldiers are being given dictionaries and thesauruses instead of military manuals.
West Point, the elite United States military academy, has begun to offer classes in Jenga, chess and even Life.
Luis Armas, a United States military doctor, who has traded his scalpel for the tweezers in Operation, said that he welcomes the change.
“After seeing what war could do to our soldiers, I knew a change had to be made. And while before [the Convention] I had never seen combat myself, now I truly feel like I can put myself on the front lines to defend my country,” he said.
Despite the intended purpose of reducing global tensions, many analysts fear the impending showdown between China and the United States.
One such analyst, Paksima Gill, voiced her concerns.
“This brings a whole new strategy to the idea of global power structures. Who will choose the inevitable game between the United States and China and what are their interests? Will they intentionally sabotage one country over the other by choosing a game one is inexperienced with?”
John McClain, United States Foreign Policy analyst, agreed with Gill about the War Games Convention.
“How can anyone relax with the fate of the world being decided over a game of Yahtzee Hale Douthit is a sophomore writing for film, TV and emerging media major who’s in favor of using Candyland to solve world hunger. You can email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.