One Catholic’s controversial encounter
I was incredibly excited. Through my church I entered a drawing to win a night with the Pope. As a devout Catholic, I saw this as an opportunity to discuss the issues of the world through a lens that was more mature and holier than mine. I entered and about two months later, I got an email from email@example.com. I was ecstatic. I had won a contest with what I can only imagine were millions of entries. I sent in my home address and told them where to pick me up for my night with the pope.
It was about 7:30 p.m. when the Pope’s small, black Fiat pulled up to the curb of my house. He got out of the car and walked up to my door. In his reflection in the window, he fixed his collar and head covering, reaffirming my view of him as the second most stylish pope after Boniface VIII of 1294. He rang the doorbell and I, pretending as if I hadn’t been waiting for him to arrive, waited a few seconds before approaching the door and greeting him.
“Nice to meet you,” I said nervously.
“Salvation, Jesus, yaddah yaddah yaddah,” he replied.
I was confused as to what that meant and why he chose to greet me that way but I rolled with it. I mean who was I to question the Pope? He invited me to his Fiat, and I graciously accepted.
We walked down my pathway and I entered the small car. It was decked out in red pastel carpeting and the seats were draped in leopard print and alligator skin. There were disco balls hanging from the ceiling of the car, and there was a hidden, sliding tray that had a bottle of Jagermeister and four glasses. The pope gestured his hands toward the bottle, offering me some but I rejected his sentiment. I am sober 15 years.
I overheard his driver say, “We’ll get the stuff and head over to The Holy Cross.” I was excited to finally arrive somewhere and begin discussing important subjects with Pope Francis himself. However, when we pulled up to the “Holy Cross,” I found it was actually a dingy club in Hoboken, New Jersey. We got out of the car and the bouncer helped Francis and I onto the street. He said to the Pope, “Nice to see you again.”
“I don’t remember last night, so I can’t say I didn’t have a bad time,” the Pope joked. They both laughed. I was confused as to what we were doing at such an inappropriately named place doing such un-Pope-like things.
We were walked into a back room where I met Al Sharpton, Zach Braff and Lupe Fiasco. While at first I was star struck and in awe of the amazing people I found, I searched for Pope Francis so we could finally have our discussion. I walked up to him only to find that he was getting a lap dance from a woman he had brought from his home, Brazil, during his tour there in 2013.
“I know that only God can forgive us, but please forgive me for mistreating you tonight.”
“I accept your apology but I must leave,” I retorted.
“Why don’t you come back to my place? It has a great view of Rome.”
“You’re inviting me to the Vatican?’
“Yeah, we’ll do some coke and make love with the lights on.”
I declined and went home, ashamed of where the “most liberal Pope” is taking our religion. I urge all Catholic readers to share this story so everyone can hear.
Jordan Aaron is a sophomore cinema and photography major who doesn’t discriminate against people based on religion, but does against Fiat drivers. You can email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.